Random Radio Ads
Written September 4, 2004

Foot/ERT

Voice 1: “Help! Help!”

Voice 2: “What’s the problem there, buddy?”

1: “Well, I was stumbling home all wasted from the bar and I fell into this gigantic thorn bush and I can’t get out!”

2: “Oh you stupid bastard. You should’ve called Foot Patrol!”

1: “What’s Foot Patrol?”

2: “Well, you call this number and before you know it, a sexy girl and big beefy guy come to walk with you and make sure you get home safely.”

1: “Oh Jesus Christ, I wish I had known!”

2: “Well it’s not too late. Just call 886-FOOT and you will be SAVED!”

1: “What’s that number again? (said like in a 4 am infomercial)”

2: “886-FOOT. Man, it’s not like it’s a very hard number to remember.”

1: “Fine, fine. Well while you’re here, how bout helping me out of this thorn bush?”

2: “Alright.”

*CRACK sound effect*  

1: “AAAAAAH! My LEG is BROKEN!”

2: “No problem guy. We’ll just call ERT and they’ll get you fixed up in a jiffy.”

1: “ERT? Is that some kind of adult massage parlour? (hopeful)”

2: “No no, ERT stands for Emergency Response Team. They’re here to make sure that everyone stays healthy – even you.”

1: “Oh. (disappointed) Well then. Yeah, I suppose that getting ERT to fix my busted leg would be okay. Do you have a phone?”

2: “Sorry, no… (drawn out, false regret) Good luck though!”

Big Important Sounding Announcer Voice: “Foot Patrol and ERT: They’re here to save you from your own stupidity.”

Optional Chime-in: “And they’ll fuck your mother!”

Campus Clubs

Voice 1 (pompous voice): “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art my Romeo?”

Voice 2: (girl): “Dude, that’s my line.”

Voice 1: (normal voice) “Uh… Oh. Jesus Christ, theater sucks. Why are we doing this again?”

Voice 2: “We’re getting involved with campus clubs. It’s a good way to meet new people, and you’re sober so hopefully you’ll remember them too!”

Voice 1: “I dunno…all this Shakespeare garbage is starting to FLIP ME OUT!”

Voice 2: “Calm down skippy. Campus clubs aren’t as lame as you’d think. Take Fringe Festival for instance.”

Voice 1: “Fringe Festival? What is that, some kind of spaced out hippy commune? Because I’m not a communist. I swear.”

Voice 2: “No, no. Fringe Festival is theater done university style. It’s a collection of plays and movies done by students for students. They’re all about innovating crude entertainment. They’ve even got (stage whisper) SEX and DRUGS and MUSIC.”

Voice 1: “Oh wow! That sounds like a stompin’ good time! Then I guess maybe some of these other campus clubs aren’t as stereotypically boring as I figured either, huh?”

Voice 2: “Hells no! You can even start your own club if you get enough interest.”

Voice 1: (excited) “Like a drinking club? A club where all you do is drink and drink and drink and drink and then maybe take a break for daiquiris and then drink some more?”

Voice 2: “Right. Exactly. But they already have that one set up, you know.”

Voice 1: (awed) “Wow, campus clubs are the coolest thing I ever heard of! I can’t wait to go out and join as many as humanly possible! And if any frosh happen to be listening right now, they should also GO JOIN CAMPUS CLUBS. AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.”

Voice 2: “What a terrible plug. I hate you. But yeah, kids, join campus clubs!”

WLUSU

Voice 1 (authoritative): “Opportunities. Services. Representation. These are the things that the Wilfrid Laurier University Students Union provides to YOU, the student. Oh, and activities. We provide those too.”

Voice 2 (female authoritative): “We own food. We own the nightlife. Our numbers swell daily as volunteers come pouring through the doors, looking for new and exciting ways to pad their resumes with activities. We are the most powerful student organization in Canada !”

Voice 1: “We have a president!”

Voice 2: “We have boards and directors and marketing and fashion and motion!”

Voice 1: “We have calendars and legal resources and graphic design!”

Voice 2: “Okay that’s enough. Time for the big pitch. (clears throat) You are the future. Volunteering will help keep the machine rolling on into a glorious future for us all. You will be an army of one, part of the largest army in the world. Only YOU can prevent forest fires.

Voice 1: “Uh… I don’t think that the Student’s Union is an army. OR (gets cut off)

Voice 2: “QUIET! ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES!”

Voice 1: “Right. Well. You heard the lady. Volunteer in the Student’s Union today! (stage whisper) It’s not an army.”

These are some random radio skits I wrote to advertise some Student Union garbage. They were played during an O-week event at Wilfrid Laurier and apparently nobody laughed. So maybe they aren't as funny as I thought, I dunno. If you never went to WLU then they definitely aren't funny. I liked doing the voices though, I got to be Arnold Schwarzenegger for one of em.