Marxist Skit Opener
Written March 7, 2005

I wrote this as the opener for a presentation that a bunch of us had to do for our Political and Social Philosophy class. Our topic was Marx (SURPRISE!!) and I was the Proletariat.

(Proletariat is ‘cooking’ with a spatula or something. Dressed for fast food excellence.)

 P: I’m the worker. This job is okay – it pays the bills and stuff, I guess. Flipping hamburgers isn’t too tough… pretty much anyone could do it, even a monkey. A well trained monkey, with WHMIS certification.

Bourgeois (entering): Great job, grill worker number 19634! You’re turning that raw meat into a delicious commodity at a very satisfactory rate! Profits are skyrocketing and the corporation grows with every hamburger you cook.

P: Sweet deal! Does this mean I get a raise?

B: It sure doesn’t! Actually it means that these hamburgers are going to be cheaper, and we’re going to advertise the hell out of them! Why would we give the money to you? We’re selling hamburgers here, not stonebag high school dropouts. You just cook the things, okay? Cook!!

P: Stupid hamburgers. (to hamburgers) I hate you! But… if you weren’t here… I’d be unemployed and living under a bridge somewhere. (pause) I still hate you!

B: Cook! Cook faster, or you’ll be replaced by a complacent migrant worker from Vietnam !

P: (cooking fast) I feel devalued as a human being.

Marx (entering): Actually, you feel alienated from your labour.

P: Oh yeah?

M: Yeah. I’m Karl Marx. (turns to class) You may know me from such manifestos as the Communist Manifesto! I’m a specialist in this kind of thing. Try these on. (puts chains on Proletariat)

 P: Damn, these chains are heavy! I don’t think it’s safe to wear this around the grill.

M: You’ve been wearing them since you got a job. So who owns all of these hamburgers?

P: That guy, over there (indicates to Bourgeois).

B: Hey, worker number 52319, I forgot to tell you that we’re going to have to cut back your hours for the next six months. We’re getting a new grill-o-matic that will cook hamburgers faster than you ever dreamed possible! Think of the profit margins!

P: Wow.

B: But here’s your hourly pay. One dollar for YOU (gives P a dollar) and 74 cents for your lovely female coworker here (gives Feminist some change).

F: What the hell?

B: Don’t spend it all in one place darling.

M: So you do the cooking for this fatcat over here, and you get… what? Minimum wage?

P: Yeah… and then I have to pay the landlord… and the hydro guy and the car insurance and… and… hey wait! They all look a lot like THAT guy! (indicates to Bourgeois)

M: They sure do! They’re all what is now known as the Bourgeois. And they own your labour. Doesn’t feel so hot, does it?

P: No way! I think now that you’ve shown me these chains of oppression, I might go gouge out his eyes with my spatula here. Does that sound like a good plan?

M: Not so much. You see, in the past there has always been class conflict. But now, at the height of history, we see the class divide gathering into two main factions – the workers and the employers. The proletariat and the bourgeois. The –

P: Yeah yeah, that’s great. Look! I’m destroying the instruments of my imprisonment! I’m tearing down the means of production! (pushes desks around and acts unruly)

 M: No no. See, you have to UNITE –

P: He’s right! I can’t do this by myself. (to class) You guys all have jobs, right? Wanna help me smash up this boor-jwa-zee stuff?

B: Hey! That equipment cost a lot, you know. You’re THIS far from replacement. Now cook!

P: We’re gonna burn this mother down!

M: NO! You need to use the power of majority to CHANGE things, not just exchange the means of production. We have to change the system itself!

P (stops destroying): I’m not sure I understand what you mean.

M: Well, we’re going to abolish private property. Just as a start, you know.

P: I… see.

M: Maybe we should all sit down and talk about this. I’m going to tell you about COMMUNISM.

B: No paid breaks!

Everyone sits down and the rest of the presentation commences!