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The Glory, Sorrow and Insigificance of a Pink Lighter Cliché. Life soundtracks. Bitterness. Gratuitous accents. Brazen drug references. Santa Claus. The big ripples in life. More cliché. “It’s just a stupid pink lighter. It doesn’t have the power to affect anything.” -famous last words Written by Chris Clemens The Players (in order of appearance) Mr. G – Marc Heroux Music First Song: Clann Zu -You're listening to a dead man speak Awards Best Play Overall Other Nominations (We lost these) Best Script (me) Playbill Shoutouts Firstly, we would like to thank Chaddycakes and Marta for allowing such a lengthy monstrosity to survive unchopped. And the cast has been fabulous in their contributions to the project, exceeding far beyond their roles as mere human “actors”. Special shout to Dave Wellhauser, who vigorously promoted the play and moved our furniture. And finally, our hearts go out to the original pink lighter, which began the whole concept and now lies buried in the bushes beside Phil’s until the end of time.
Scene 1 - Scene 2 - Scene 3- Scene 4 - Scene 5 - Scene 6 (lights up. Mr. G is sitting at one end of a couch in the middle of the stage. He looks mildly depressed. A blow-up alien occupies the opposite end seat. The lighter sits in the centre of a coffee table in front of couch – there are also beer bottles and mixer drink bottles scattered around. Light is focused on coffee table but expands to include couch. Audio playing loudly is a sad song.) (Enter Scottie, stage left. Walks to middle seat of couch and flops down with one arm around Mr. G and the other arm around the alien. Scottie smiles and nods at Mr. G but says nothing) (dim music) Mr. G: Jesus, I hate when random music you hear during the day seems to mock the way you’re feeling. (Scottie looks at him uncomprehendingly, then grabs a beer bottle off the table as Mr. G talks. Tries to take a swig, examines bottle critically, then holds it above his head and tilts it. A small amount of beer pours on his shirt.) Mr. G: Music. Y’know, when some chick dumps you or something and the rest of the day you hear sappy break-up songs on the radio and at the roller rink. It’s like someone is following you around, trying to rub your nose in it 24/7. The worst part is that they have all these really great bounce-back anthems out there that inspire you to move on with your life and stop being a pussy, but they save those for like Christmas and civic holidays. Scottie: Whoa whoa, where’s a roller rink around here? Mr. G: That doesn’t matter! Music. Can’t you hear this crap? (Gestures in air) What kind of party features a suicide-inducing funeral dirge? Scottie: Calling it a party makes this (stares pointedly at audience) a little too cliché to be real, don’t you think? We’re at a Small Gathering of Friends and Acquaintances. Well THEY are (gestures in air), but for some reason you’re sitting in the basement by yourself with a blow up alien. What’s with the disappearing act, Mr. G? Mr. G: Well, the music… Scottie: (cutting him off) Anyways, were you talking about the roller rink that used to double as a preteen dance club down on Hespeler? Because I think they shut that down. The kids were hooked on more than just phonics. Mr. G: Fucking kids and their drugs. No wait, for the love of God!...I was talking about the malicious soundtrack to my life and you aren’t even listening. (takes a smoke out of his pack and leans forward to grab the pink lighter. Just as he brings it up to his face, Scottie takes a sudden interest) Scottie: Hey now, where’d you get that? Mr. G: Huh? It’s just a lighter. Scottie: It’s a PINK lighter. Mr. G: Wow, where were those keen observational skills and genius intellect ten seconds ago when the topic was halfway interesting? Yes, it’s pink and NO, I’m not gay. Scottie: Hah! I was SO just about to say something about that, G-money. Mr. G: I’m not G-money, god dammit. Nobody calls me G-money. How many times do I have to tell you? Anyways, this lighter is special – a kind of trophy. It’s about the only thing that went right for me all day. I actually took it off the guy who totaled the Charger this morning. Scottie: Oh yeah-yeah, I heard you forgot to check your blind spot and got bounced off the highway. How’d that work out for ya, Mr. G? You look okay. (looks Mr. G over worriedly) Mr. G: (very enthusiastically) No way, that crazy fucker was trying to race me in his garbage Tempo and nudged me when he saw that his car has the comparative horsepower of two schoolgirls pulling a toboggan. It was sabotage, for sure. Anyways, I’m cool – he stopped up ahead past the bridge and was coming back to finish me off. I had just rolled out the window with my ice scraper, ready to take the kid on, when a cop comes screaming up out of nowhere. Me and the guy both yelled some shit at each other about lane changes and blinkers and something about his mother with a sheep, and eventually the po-po sent him packing before I could shank him. But I got him, ooooh yes. I noticed him drop this bad boy (shakes lighter) while he was filling out insurance stuff and I SCAMMED it before the tow truck came. Scottie: Whoa, that’s some intense stuff. Who steals a pink lighter though? Who even WANTS a pink lighter? Mr. G: Aside from me? Probably nobody…which is okay, because it means I’ll actually keep this for more than a day or two. Smokers steal lighters like starving cannibals steal…pieces…of dead people? I dunno where I was going with that. (starts to light smoke) Scottie: (snatching lighter and gleefully yelling) THEFT! (music suddenly changes to something much more upbeat – pop punk? Mr. G is trying to grab lighter back from Scottie’s outreached hand and suddenly listens attentively – pause for a few seconds) Mr. G: Hey, what happened? My life soundtrack is suddenly the MTV Happy Fun Party anthem, and completely inappropriate. The Charger’s horrible accident is being mocked! And give me that lighter, you don’t like pink and you don’t even smoke. (grabs lighter back from Scottie and music is instantly back to melancholy. Both listen for a few seconds and stare at the lighter in Mr. G’s hand) Mr. G: Well, that’s odd. Scottie: I liked my song better. (grabs lighter and listens attentively. Music goes silent. Shakes lighter vigorously after a few seconds) Scottie: It’s not working. Let’s see what the alien gets. (puts lighter in alien’s hand) (they watch the alien intently. Nothing happens) Scottie: I think he broke it. Mr. G: Christ, that was weird. (starts to reach over Scottie for the lighter and spills half the drinks off the table clumsily) Mr. G: Jesus! Scottie: Damn…you just spilt all the ingredients for Elissa’s Super Pass-Out mix. She’s gonna be so pissed, G-money…I think she’s already bitchy about something. There’s no way I had anything to do with this. (gets up and walks quickly off stage to the left, where he entered. Mr. G picks up some of the bottles and finally walks slowly off stage in the same direction. Lights fade except for a spotlight on the alien holding the lighter.)
SCENE 2 – Premonition and the Essence of Niki (Elissa, Niki and Grey are standing outside. Elissa and Grey are smoking. Grey also has a beer bottle which he throws back on occasionally. Niki is bouncing back and forth on her feet anxiously) Grey: Man, I think I must be drunk or something… I keep getting this image of a little grey alien in my head and he’s holding something I can’t quite see…it’s really weird how I can’t stop thinking about this. Niki: It probably means something important, you know. Elissa: Yeah, it probably means he’s going to direct a sequel to E.T. Niki, stop encouraging him – you always make it worse. Grey, you’re just cracked out. (Grey shrugs. momentary silence) Grey: So…. Niki: So…. (stops bouncing) Elissa: So why do we even come to these things? Scott always drags us along to so-called “gatherings” and it just ends up being a bunch of his stupid friends getting wrecked and clustering in their little groups while he runs around and breaks his collarbone like a moron. I don’t even know whose house this is! I’m sick of pretending to have fun. Grey: Hey, he’s YOUR boyfriend. The only reason I’m here is because you didn’t want to get stranded with El Macho friendos. Elissa: Yeah well, the friendos are obviously buzzkills. They can’t even decide what music to play, it keeps flip-flopping back and forth. Niki: I was talking to some of them earlier, before… Elissa: (somewhat sarcastically) Oh yeah? And what’d you talk about? Niki: (spacy and rambling) Just…you know, school and majors and stuff. That Brad guy’s in biology too…I think. Or was his name Steve? No, Steve was in English…. Elissa: (cutting her off) See Niki, that doesn’t really count as an actual conversation. Talking about majors is like two robots going through the motions. (acts like a comical robot) “Greetings, I am Niki from the Science faculty, division Biology.” “Hello, female. I have consumed enough alcoholic beverages for you to look appealing enough to copulate with. My name is SteveBrad 3000, and I am coincidentally from the same faculty as you!...Take off your pants.” (Grey is laughing silently) Niki: What? No…I’m wearing a skirt, see? (displays skirt prettily) And we were talking about the viability of embryonic stem cell cloning. Elissa: Stupid science kids and their words. Anyways, was he actually contributing to this great meeting of minds or was he just making monosyllabic interjections as YOU talked? See, that’s trick number two for fake conversation. (motions with 1 finger) One. Talking about majors. (holds up a second finger) Two. Saying “Yeah, uh-huh, for sure” while he stares at your rack. (Niki loses interest halfway through the spiel and starts looking up in the air aimlessly) Grey: You seem remarkably bitter for a happily married woman. Elissa: No, see, I am somehow plagued with this curse where every single brilliant observation I make about dysfunctional social stuff is instantly manifested in Scott. Grey: So you’re saying that, in the next five minutes, he’ll probably stumble through the door, gape at your chest and ask what program you’re in? Elissa: Hah! He’s done it like 3 times today. Grey: Well that doesn’t count towards your curse then, because he did it before you made the observation. Elissa: Grey. Grey. Joke. I was joking. That’s your problem, you take things seriously when you should really just let it go. (Niki becomes interested in something off-stage and wanders away from the pair without warning.) Grey: Well maybe YOU just suck at…hey, where’s Niki rambling off to? Elissa: (turning to look) Yep, there she goes…and who says “rambling”? (the two stare in the direction she left, but by this time she’s too far gone.) (SteveBrad suddenly runs on stage from the opposite direction with a beer in each hand, looking for Niki. Stops right beside Elissa) SteveBrad: Hey Anthropology Vicky! I got you some drinks! Elissa: (flatly) Niki. Her name is NIKI, SteveBrad. (intentionally burns his arm with her cigarette) SteveBrad: (wincing) Thanks. (goes off-stage with beer in pursuit of Niki) Grey: Hah, he took that like a champ. Elissa: Probably didn’t even register in his brain. After you flood a guy’s skull with alcohol, there’s not much room left for anything except the desire to fuck and pass out. Intelligently responding to pain would’ve overloaded his circuits. Grey: Hey now, I’m drunk guy and I’m perfectly cap…capobble…capable of normal conversation. Man that’s a hard word to say for some reason. Elissa: Yeah but you’re different Grey; you’re almost like one of the girls… except evidently without the tongue dexterity. Grey: Whatta you mean? Just because I don’t fall into your bitter little stereotype of the stupid lumbering sex-starved male doesn’t mean I’m not a guy. I like to think of myself as the improved model, you know? With intelligence and sensitivity upgrades. (voice goes rambling) Sort of like a super-man or a pink astronaut or an alien…wait, why did I just say “alien”? What am I talking about? This is messed up. Elissa: (laughing) Hahaha, you’re such a rambling geek. But I love you anyways. (hugs Grey) So tell me, is the “improved alien model” going to ever actually pick up a girl? Sensitivity isn’t much good for anything else in this world. (Grey is looking over her shoulder in the direction that Niki and SteveBrad exited and apparently doesn’t catch her question) Grey: Oh God, he caught Niki down by the dock. Should we go save her? Elissa: (breaking away from Grey to look as well) Nah she’ll be fine. She’s Niki and he’s a one-dimensional drunk. Grey: You know, I never really saw her as a Niki. I mean, she’s awesome and I love her to pieces now that I know her, but I think she’s much more of a Nicole than a Niki. Niki’s are always flashy or deep or kinky – every Niki in the movies or on TV is always sexy or intriguing in some way. They’re never boring librarians or nuns or decrepit grandmothers or anything like that. It’s almost like when a Nicole decides that she wants to become a Niki she’s also taking on the responsibility of living up to everyone’s expectations that she’ll be a distinctly individual character. Elissa: Yeah…I know exactly what you mean…I’ve met boring Niki’s before and tried to set them straight about their names. It’s like they’re inadvertently ruining the Sacred Essence of Niki with their mundane lives and flouncing around without an interesting thought in their heads, pretending that they’re all special and tricking people who expect more from them. I don’t think you should be a Niki if you can’t back your shit up. Grey: Haha…wow, it’s cool that you were right with me on that one. So what about OUR Niki then? (motions offstage) She’s flighty and perma-spacy, but is that enough? She’s not really kinky or risqué. Elissa: You obviously don’t know OUR Niki as well as you thought. Hahaha, look how confused she’s making that guy down there, it’s priceless. He can’t follow her at all. I think horny-boy SteveBrad 3000 got way more than he was expecting. Grey: You have to admit, though, that it’s pretty weird how he came out to illustrate your point about stupid conversation so quickly. Elissa: Maybe Scott broke his collarbone and sent SteveBrad out as his substitute to annoy me with the curse. Grey: Yeah, your boyfriend’s been gone for a long time. Did he say what he was doing? Elissa: He was SUPPOSED to be grabbing my Super Pass-Out mix, but I bet he ran into Mr. G and got roped into another whiny philosophy session that’s way over his head. Or maybe he really DID break his collarbone again…if I have to drive Scott to the hospital one more time, I’m going to flip out! Are you done your smoke? Let’s go find them. (they both flick their cigarettes away and leave stage the opposite way of previous characters) Grey: (walking offstage) Jesus, that alien is somehow STILL in my skull! (points at head. Elissa shakes her head as they leave) Elissa: Not again…
(Elissa and Grey enter and walk over to the couch. They both scrutinize the mishmash of bottles strewn about on the ground. Elissa looks pissed off. Alien should be in the dark so Grey doesn’t notice it right away.) Grey: Looks like Super Pass-Out mix did a number on itself. Elissa: What the FUCK? (Scottie runs in from off-stage. Stops in his tracks when he sees Elissa’s back and Grey and grins) Scottie: Hey babes, what’s your major? (Elissa spins around and glares at him) Scottie: Whoa whoa, I’m just joking Elissa…lighten up…yeah…uh huh…(trails off as he stares at her chest) Grey: The curse! Elissa: (puts up finger to silence Grey, then says sweetly) Scott honey…what happened here? Scottie: (looking a little nervous) Oh…oh well, some stuff spilled and I was just coming down to clean it up…you know, a little scrubbing and a little wiping…nothing special. Elissa: (same tone) Scott honey…we’re going to have to sit down and talk. (she sits down in the end seat of the couch and pats the seat next to her, indicating for Scott to sit down) Scottie: (hesitantly) Okay. (sits) (Elissa takes out a cigarette and snaps impatiently for Scottie to hand her a lighter. He does so, absent-mindedly grabbing the pink one from the alien. At the same time Grey is looking around for somewhere to sit and comes across the alien just after the lighter has been snatched. Elissa is examining the lighter after she lights her cigarette and absentmindedly throws insults Scott’s way when appropriate) Grey: Uh…whoa. (staring and pointing at the alien) Elissa, remember that alien in my head? Well it’s somehow sitting right here! (bends to examine alien closer) Scottie: (sarcastically) Oh, a blow-up alien on a couch…what an ORIGINAL concept. Elissa: Scott, sarcasm is only funny when it doesn’t suck so maybe it’s time to shut your trap, hmmmm? Grey: No seriously…it’s like I’ve seen this before and yet not, you know? Some kind of weird Déjà vu. But he’s not holding anything. Scottie: (sarcastically) Well yeah, that’s to be expected when you’re talking about INFLATABLE PLASTIC HANDS WITH NO FINGERS. (grabs alien’s hand for emphasis) (Elissa gives Scottie a poison look and he appears to be chastised) Grey: He had something…something important. Elissa: Okay, I think you might be getting a little confused and obsessive over this. Why don’t you go find Niki and tell her about your magical alien premonition and his missing cargo? She’ll understand. Me and Scott will stay and guard your friend here – we have stuff to do. (puts lighter back on the table) (Grey exits, looking back at the alien in bewilderment once) Scottie: Heh heh…stuff eh? (tries to put his arm around Elissa but she shrugs him off) Uh oh. Elissa: Yeah, you’re getting that sinking feeling in your stomach, aren’t you? (leans forward to grab lighter again to get some distance) (ominous music plays briefly before fading) Elissa: (resigned) Wow, that was surprisingly appropriate. Someone up there is on the ball. Scottie: Uh oh. (looks fearfully up in the air and then at Elissa) Listen, I’m sorry about your drinks…Mr. G was leaning over me and…I have some beer? (impulsively grabs one of the beers on the table and leans back to drink it just like in Scene 1. Similarly, he pours beer on his shirt) Fuck. Elissa: (shaking her head) I don’t care about the drinks anymore, Scott. I have a feeling that being drunk tonight is gonna be a bad idea. Scottie: Okay, enough with being ominous…can you just get to the point? You’ve never had trouble with that before. Elissa: Yeah but this is harder. Listen…I was just going to go through the usual process of making you feel bad, which was getting way too easy lately by the way, but while I was looking at this lighter I realized that I had to say something more. I can’t be with you anymore Scott. Scottie: What? You’re dumping me? Because a stupid pink lighter told you to? Elissa: No! You never get anything I’m saying…this pink lighter is a metaphor for our relationship. Anytime I ask you for something, you give me some ridiculous variation on what I really want. Remember when I said I wanted to feel special and you took me to a football field to make out? Scottie: Yeah, that was hot. See babes, we’ve had some good times…why aren’t you happy? Elissa: You had some guys turn on the stadium lights and blare Pearl Jam halfway through while they watched! It was the most awkward thing I’ve ever been subjected to…and you had no idea. The countless times I’ve had to sit at the hospital with you because of your demented need to get wasted and injure yourself – remember prom? You made an effort to look nice and get the limo and everything, but we were there for all of five minutes before you rode a shopping cart into the band’s drum kit and smashed yourself to shit. It’s always something. I mean, look at this! (brandishes lighter) I ask for a lighter and you give me a tiny PINK one. Who even owns a pink lighter? Scottie: It’s not - Elissa: (cutting him off) It’s stupid, and I see now that our entire relationship has been stupid too. You’re not the one for me. Scottie: (shakes head, looking at his feet) So if I had given you a huge black lighter with skulls on it, you wouldn’t be ditching me? Elissa: Well it would have been marginally LESS stupid. But no. I haven’t been happy for a while…you have no idea who I really am because you’re always off jackassing and forgetting to think. Every time I notice something bad or messed up in other people’s relationships, you inevitably show up to prove to me that it hits way closer to home than I would like. (pause) I’m sorry Scott, but I’m just trying to be honest with you. Scottie: (sarcastically) Oh okay, because I thought you were really just tricking me and this was all a big joke. Just…but why did you have to pull this out NOW, at a party – er gathering - while I’m drunk? It’s like something that would happen in a teen movie, and I turn out to be the big asshole of the night who gets the boot while you hook up with the sensitive prettyboy you’ve always been dreaming of, and everyone goes home happy but me. Elissa: See, that’s ridiculous. (She finishes her cigarette and tries to grab one of Scottie’s hands, but he pulls away. Elissa gets angry and goes on a spiel.) Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time obsessing over how your life relates to those garbage movies and trying to avoid what you see as clichés, you would actually have a chance to experience life through your own eyes and learn something about yourself. You can’t just wrap everything up into a pretty little plot and throw a bow on top. You can’t compress everything into a goddamn feature-length movie or…or a 30 minute play. There aren’t any “valuable moral lessons” at the end of each episode. Life’s not like that at all, despite what they’d have you believe. Scottie: (goes back to looking at feet and pauses for a few seconds) So…so you’ve been thinking about this for a while then? Elissa: Well yeah…but I honestly wasn’t planning on saying anything tonight. I just wanted to get hammed and pass out but when you smashed my drinks and gave me a pink lighter for dessert, I was forced to reconsider. It’s for the best though…y’know? It’s finally out in the open and I’m glad. Scottie: I guess I could see it coming…I mean, you’ve been super bitter lately, way more than back in high school. Elissa: What? I’m not bitter. Scottie: (laughing) Hahaha ooookay…ask any of my friends here and I guarantee they’ll say something about you riding the bitter-bus home tonight. Elissa: If they can still talk. If they could even talk in the first place. Scottie: See? See what I mean? (appeals to audience with outstretched palms) Elissa: Okay Scott, you’re appealing to a basement wall for sympathy so maybe I should go. I hope we can still be friends…are you mad? Scott? Scottie: (shakes head vigorously) Sorry…I’m a little dazed or something. It’s a lot to take in, under the circumstances…a stupid lighter, of all things. (looks at the lighter in Elissa’s hand) Give me that, I’m going to smash it. Elissa: No, I think I want to keep it as a reminder. It seems special, somehow. Scottie: Well I want to smash something…this fucking sucks. Elissa: Yeah. I’m sorry I had to wreck your night – I really didn’t mean it to happen this way. Just don’t smash your collarbone again, whatever you do. I’ll go find Niki and Grey and we’ll - (Grey enters but stays at the edge of the stage) Grey: Hey, I can’t find Niki…oh…whoops, am I interrupting something important? Scottie: Just the tragic death of a beautiful love, buddy! (to Elissa) You better not be ditching me for THAT guy. (Elissa puts the lighter on the table and stands up.) Elissa: I’ll come say goodbye before we leave. (Grey walks over to the alien and examines it again – the others watch curiously) Grey: So…Scottie…you’re sure it wasn’t holding anything? Scottie: (sarcastically) Yeah, actually he had a huuuuge bag of presents for you but Santa Claus came by and grabbed them just before you arrived. Isn’t that too bad? Grey: Whatever. Elissa: That was sad. You aren’t even trying anymore. Scottie: He’s insane! (Elissa and Grey leave and Scottie watches them go. He then buries his head in his hands. After a few seconds sad music starts to play. Scottie jerks his head up and gives the finger to the roof, then gets up and exits. Stage fades to dark except for a spotlight on the lighter. Suddenly someone dressed in a Santa suit runs across stage at full speed, snatching the lighter as he runs. Spotlight goes out as lighter is snatched.)
(Niki enters the basement and looks around idly. She wanders over to the couch and flops down at the end of the couch. She gets out some papers and starts to roll a J on the coffee table) (Mr. G wanders in) Mr. G: Scottie? Scott! (spies Niki and starts towards the couch) Oh hey, have you seen Scott? Niki: (looks at him briefly) Who? Mr. G: You don’t know Scottie? Oooh, you must be one of Elissa’s friends. Are they making out somewhere? Niki: What? Mr. G: Has anyone ever told you that you aren’t especially helpful? Niki: (smiles at him) Not recently. Mr. G: Can I ask why you’re rolling a joint all alone in the basement? Niki: I was planning on getting stoned. Mr. G: By yourself? Niki: No, that’s antisocial…I was going to find my friends first. Are you going to sit down? You’re making me feel weird. (Mr. G sits beside her) Mr. G: So…are you in school? What’s your major? Niki: I already had this conversation tonight and it was boring. Plus Elissa said it makes me a robot or something…I wasn’t really listening, but she seemed adamantly against it. Mr. G: Jesus, adamantly. That’s a big word for a little girl. English, right? Niki: I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that. Mr. G: Sorry…sorry…fuck. Listen, uh – Niki: Niki. Mr. G: Niki eh? I should’ve guessed. It’s been kind of a downer night for me and I’m trying too hard. Niki: That’s okay! Earlier I got stuck with this Steve guy…or Brad…whatever. Anyways, he followed me around trying to make me drink one of his beers until I finally did just to shut him up. Then he tried to grope me while I was trying to talk about why the Leafs would be a much better team if they were democratically owned. You know, if the fans actually had a say in trades and decision making stuff? I had a whole system of control worked out and everything. Wait…I was talking about something else… Mr. G: You were being molested. Niki: Oh yeah! (smiles) Anyways, I accidentally threw him in the river and drank his other beer. He was boring. Mr. G: Oh. Christ. (inches further away from her) What do you find interesting then? Niki: You passing me that pen on the table there. (She points and he hands it to her. She starts poking the almost-finished joint with it vigorously) What do YOU find interesting? Mr. G: That us two are sitting here in a…a dingy basement while everything happens upstairs. Niki: Last time I checked, all they were doing up there was playing cards. Oh, and some of the guys were wearing dresses for some reason and this girl was yelling at them. Mr. G: See, that’s interesting - in a slightly disturbing way - but as usual, I’m not a part of it. Niki: (joint’s done, she sits back and looks at Mr. G) What exactly are you getting at? Mr. G: Well I started the night with a big story and a reason to be in the spotlight, but ever since then it feels like I’ve been relegated to the sidelines as a minor character. I’ve just been wandering around, not really relevant to anything at all and it’s shitty. I was sorta hoping you could identify, being down here by yourself. Niki: But I’m in this basement because I wanted to be. That guy won’t find me here. Mr. G: But don’t you ever feel like you’re missing something bigger? I mean, there’s no way that the two of us having this conversation is the most important thing happening right now, at this point in time. Niki: (smiles) You could always put on a dress and go upstairs if you don’t like talking to me. Mr. G: No, that’s not – Niki: You need to – oh, sorry for interrupting, but you need to stop trying so hard. Mr. G: What? Niki: See, I don’t know you, but it seems like you’re always looking for something better instead of appreciating where you are for the moment. Just come to grips with the fact that you won’t always be at the centre of attention. The centre of attention usually isn’t even very good. Mr. G: Huh…yeah, I guess that makes sense. Niki: See? You can take something out of every experience, even if you don’t think it’s especially important or momentous at the time. Mr. G: Hmmm…you know what, I think you’re right! This conversation…I was a little upset earlier because some bastard totaled my car today and nobody seemed to care, but at least I got a new lighter out of it. A PINK lighter, which isn’t something you see every day. Niki: Well that’s perfect, because I was just about to ask if you had one. Not pink, specifically, but I suppose that’s a bonus. Mr. G: Sure thing. (feels around in pockets and then checks the alien. Nothing!) Fuck, I think someone took it. Niki: Who steals a pink lighter? Mr. G: Earlier on I would’ve said nobody, but this has been a weird night. Damn, I really wanted to hang onto that one too. (Katie enters) Katie: (in her killer accent) WHAT is going on down here? Are…are those DRUGS I see in your hand there, young lady? (Niki, with a shocked expression, quickly puts joint behind her back) No, don’t think you can trick me with that tomfoolery and lollygagging. You have broken the LAW and brought the very gateway to HELL and DECEIT into my house, you childish strumpet. WHAT do you have to say for yourself, you vixen? Niki: I was going to share. (Katie and Mr. G both break out laughing) Mr. G: (brightening up noticeably) Leave her alone Katie, she seems pretty cool. (to Niki) Niki, this is Katie, we’re in her house. Katie: (normal voice) Niki huh? (eyes her) Yeah… I guess I can see that. Sorry about the scare chicky, but I love using that accent whenever possible. (Niki smiles and puts the joint on the table) Katie: So this is where you’ve been hiding out, Mr. G? I was looking for you and Scottie earlier but got sidetracked. (picks up alien and tosses him off the couch onto the middle of the stage, then takes his seat) Mr. G: Now did he really deserve that kind of harsh treatment? Niki: Yeah, I kind of liked the alien. Katie: Well I figured that since our multiculturalism laws haven’t been extended to encompass inanimate objects just yet, I was justified in taking his seat. Mr. G: He wasn’t adding too much to the conversation anyways. So how are things going upstairs? Is your party a wild success? Katie: Gathering! ...not a party. Actually it’s kind of a bust, people are starting to clear out. I came down here to see if anything exciting was going on…drunken guys wearing my roommates’ dresses can only be interesting for so long. Mr. G: No way…dudes in dresses is this year’s hottest entertainment ticket. Katie: Hahaha…shut up. Actually Annette came home just in time to scream at them and throw them out of the house before she went to bed. Kind of a buzzkill, really. I’m sure I’ll hear all kinds of crap about my wide variety of weird friends from her tomorrow. Mr. G: What could possibly be weirder than a rowdy game of gender-confusion and cards? Katie: Well for starters, that guy Brad…Steve…something like that, I don’t really know him… anyways, a while back he comes into the house soaking wet and dripping all over the place. (Mr. G and Niki attempt not to laugh) Katie: Yeah I thought it was funny too, until he decided to drink all my whiskey to “warm himself up”. Then he disappeared for a bit and I had hope that maybe he’d gone home, until he comes tearing through the house on a wild rampage wearing – get this – a SANTA suit. Niki & Mr. G: What? Katie: Yeah, you heard me. He must’ve found it somewhere and wanted to change out of his wet clothes. Anyways, that’s not even the strangest part. As this big drunken galoof comes charging through the living room, the stereo suddenly starts playing this whacked out car chase music from the 70s. Like, it actually switched over to the radio and scanned to a station by itself. And as soon as he was out of the house, the whole system just went blank and I had to turn it back on! It was just bizarre how perfectly the music fit with the image of that intoxicated Christmas baboon running wildly across the room. Mr. G: Holy shit! Niki: Wow…do you think anyone was playing with the (makes channel flipping motion) …you know… (all 3 in quick succession) Mr. G: Channel changer. Katie: Converter. Niki: Remote!...yeah, that thing. Katie: See, I considered that until I remembered that Scottie broke it the other month when he tried to pole-vault through the living room window and busted his collarbone…again. Mr. G: Hahaha, so that’s how he smashed himself up? He wouldn’t tell me. Niki: What a dumb-ass. Mr. G: Yeah, but you gotta admire his indomitable will to repeatedly injure himself for everyone’s amusement. So anyways, do you think your CD player is haunted? Katie: I dunno, it’s been randomly changing discs and cutting songs off in the middle and just generally acting weird all night. I’m going to take it to Future Shop tomorrow. Someone was saying the neural-net CPU processor might be messing up…or something. Mr. G: Odd. I’ve never heard of that kind of problem before. Niki: Maybe it means something. Katie: (shrugs) Speaking of odd though, your (indicates to Niki) friend Grey seems to be obsessed with hunting down that SteveBrad guy. Apparently he thinks that “Santa Claus” is holding something for him, and when the drunken ape ran by in that suit his eyes lit up and he started booting it after our Cris Cringle, yelling something about “pink”…? Anyways, the whole situation was very disturbing for me. Is he, you know, okay up there? (points to head) Niki: Yeah he’s harmless…Grey just gets these weird notions when he’s drunk, about the meaning of life and philosophical stuff like that. He thinks he has …visions I think. Grey is very religious in a strange kind of way, but only when he’s trashed. Katie. Oh. I see. Niki: He’s a good guy though. Katie: Yeah…I’ll bet…hey, that reminds me though. They were both looking for you – Grey and Elissa – before the whole Santa thing. I think Elissa wants to go home soon and she really didn’t seem too happy when Grey took off. (turns to Mr. G) Did you know she broke up with Scottie earlier? (somewhat optimistically) Mr. G: Really? Holy shit…I’d better go find him. (gets up) Katie: (insincere) Yeah it’s too bad, really. (evil grin) Mr. G: (glances questioningly at her) Where did you see him last? Katie: I think he was outside? Mr. G: Okay, I’ll catch up with you guys later. (Mr. G exits) Niki: I suppose… I should go find my friends. Katie: I’m coming too! (accent) Katie goes where the excitement and fresh faces be, y’hear me young lady? (Niki laughs and gets up and stretches) Niki: I think I’ll take this for Grey. He was talking about it earlier. (grabs alien) Katie: (accent) And don’t forget your ILLEGAL drugs there either, missy! Niki: But nobody has a lighter. Katie: (gets up and speaks in normal voice) I have a feeling we’ll find one. (Niki grabs the joint and her and Katie exit) Katie: So what’s it like being a Niki?
SCENE 5 – Monologue into Sharpshooter (Scottie is pacing back and forth outside as lights come up. He stops and begins addressing the audience) Scottie: It just fucking sucks, you know? All these years together and I’ve never been able to connect the way I want to with Elissa. Sure, we cared about each other and everything but every time I tried to show it, she either took it the wrong way or it totally blew up in my face somehow. I watched all of those stupid teen comedies looking for ways to make her happy and none of it worked – the flowers, the love letters, the time I pretended to break up with her and then told her that it was my genius twin brother’s evil plot to steal her away from me. She hated all of it, said it was “contrived”. I guess I can see now that we were always just operating on different levels, trying to push our differences together despite the fact that the spark was never really there. (paces) Maybe it’s for the best. She was always harping at me: (mimicking) “Scott, get out of that shopping cart RIGHT NOW”. “Scott, keep your hands to yourself. We’re in PUBLIC.” “Scott, if you injure yourself one more time I am going to give you a vasectomy in your sleep so there’s no way in hell I get stuck with one of your STUPID children.” It was bullshit. Her bitterness was totally getting in the way of my secret dreams to, one day, become the world’s most famous stunt double. (face falls) But…but I still miss her already, even so. (Mr. G comes to the edge of the stage and is present for the end of the monologue) Mr. G: Scottie! You okay, man? (walks over to Scott) Scottie: (startled) Huh? Oh, hey G-money…yeah I’m alright. Bad night. Mr. G: Yeah I heard. You dealing with it okay? (takes out a smoke and fumbles in pockets) Hey, do you have a light? I lost that pink one I had. Scottie: Yo, that piece of shit lighter was the reason Elissa broke up with me! Well…not exactly, we’ve been having issues… but I’m still going to smash it into a tiny pile of plastic and seeping lighter fluid if I see it again. Mr. G: Glad to hear you’ve transferred your anger to a harmless pink lighter. Scottie: Yeah, I was pretty pissed for a while but I think I’ll get over her. Mr. G: Good stuff. And if delivering eloquent speeches to yourself helps you work through some issues, then just go with it man. Nobody’s gonna judge you. Scottie: What? No, there’s…(points at audience) (Guy in Santa suit runs across the front of the stage with Grey in hot pursuit. Elissa huffs up to Scottie and Mr. G a second later) Elissa: (panting) Whoa they’re fast…oh…hello…Scott. (Scott is about to say something when Niki and Katie enter, walking up to the group. Niki still has the alien.) Katie: Hey Scott. (he smiles and nods halfheartedly to her) (Guy in Santa suit and Grey run across the stage, the other way. Everyone watches with odd fascination.) Scottie: What…what is going on? (periodically glances sideways at Elissa throughout the following conversation) Katie: That stupid chimpanzee got loaded and apparently decided to run aimlessly around my house in a Santa suit. The guy chasing him is insane…er, I mean spiritual. (looks sideways at Niki, who wasn’t paying attention. Scottie nods sagely.) Niki: Do any of you guys have a lighter? (holds up J) Everyone except Niki and Katie: No. Elissa: But I wish I did! (Guy in Santa suit and Grey run across stage) Mr. G: Hey, Santa’s got one in his hand there. A PINK lighter! Niki: Is that what Grey’s been looking for all night? I thought he wanted this. (holds up alien) Elissa: I don’t think so, it just looks to me like he’s crazily chasing anything that seems significant to him. For example…(motions to alien) He lost interest when he finally found that earlier. Niki: (face falls) Oh. Elissa: We just have to accept that Grey is a messed-up wannabe prophet…diviner…thing when he drinks. Who really ever WANTS a pink lighter anyways? Except me, as…as a reminder. (looks at Scott) (Scottie glares at her and raises finger like he’s about to say something. He starts to look angry when he’s cut off – again.) Mr. G: Hey, that’s my inspiration trophy lighter! (Mr. G looks at Niki and she smiles at him) Katie: Well we NEED that bad boy for certain purposes. (indicates to Niki, who holds up joint again) Everyone except Katie: Okay. Scottie: Stop copying me! (glares at Elissa) (Guy in Santa suit runs across stage – no Grey this time. Niki shrinks back a bit.) Elissa: (shouting) Give us that lighter, you lumbering mysogenistic motherfucker! (he doesn’t stop) Scottie: (sarcastically) Wow, good job. You know, if I was Santa and someone yelled at me and called me a lumbering myso…mysojin…fucker, whatever, I would totally stop and talk to them because it would be obvious that they were a kind, caring individual worthy of my time. Elissa: Shove it, Scott. Scottie: (loud stage whisper) Isn’t she bitter? Elissa: I’m not bitter! (everyone looks at her silently) What!? Katie: Elissa honey, sometimes it’s possible to interact with people without including blatant insults and unnecessary abuse. (smiles at Scottie) (Guy in Santa suit runs across stage) Katie: (accent) Excuse me there, young man…you there! Pardon me, we need that…(he’s gone) Son of a bitch! Elissa: Hah! Mr. G: You know, we could always just get in his way next time. Scottie: That’s GENIUS! Niki: I have an idea. (Everyone looks at her) Niki: What? Just wait. (Everyone waits for roughly 10 seconds – begin to look bored after a few) (Guy in Santa suit runs across stage again and Niki steps out where he can see her clearly for the first time. She throws the alien out on the ground and Santa turns to look at her, stumbling over the alien and tripping. He starts to get to his feet awkwardly) Scottie: He’s getting away! (Scottie runs over and puts Santa in the sharpshooter, complete with signature Bret Hart finger twirl. Everyone else is cheering or watching with odd fascination. Finally Santa taps out and drops the lighter on the ground. He gets to his feet and stumbles to the edge of the stage) Katie: That’s right Santa, get the hell off my property! We don’t celebrate exclusionary holidays around here, especially not ones with drunken baboon mascots. (Santa exits) (Scottie has spied the lighter on the ground and picks it up. He looks at it, then Elissa, then raises it to the ground in an indication that he plans to smash it) Mr. G: Scottie dude, what are you doing? We need that! Katie: You could be a hero Scott! Don’t destroy that innocent lighter and ruin everything! (Everyone looks at her) Katie: What? I’m trying to inspire the boy. None of YOU are attempting anything positive. Elissa: Scott! (She goes over to him, gently pulls his upraised arm to his side and guides him off to the side for Conversation Number One. They freeze in an amusing position of conversation and lights go dark on them) Mr. G: (shuffling feet and looking nervous) Hey Niki, can I talk to you over here for a second? Niki: Sure. (The two wander off for Conversation Number Two and freeze, lights go down on them) Katie: (looking up at the light illuminating her, then around at everyone else. She addresses the audience) What? I’m only here because this is my house. (pause) Okay whatever, I guess it couldn’t hurt. So me and Scottie, I could always tell we had this kind of vibe… (lights start going down on her) No, wait! This is relevant! This is pertinent information to the plot! (lights down, Katie sits down resignedly) Damn. (lights up on Niki and Mr. G) Mr. G: Hey, so that was pretty cool how you finally stopped that SteveBrad guy. Niki: Thanks! (smiling happily the whole time) Mr. G: I guess you pretty much ruined his whole night, when you get right down to it. Niki: Yep! Mr. G: Yeah…uh, so I just wanted to thank you for talking to me back in the basement. I feel a lot better about stuff now. More confident. Niki: For sure! Mr. G: Yeah, so uh…you’re a pretty rad chick. Niki: I think you’re pretty rad too! Mr. G: I…uh…I don’t usually do this but do you think I could call you sometime and we could hang out? Niki: (somberly) Well, you could… but I have a boyfriend. Mr. G: Oh. Oh…well. That was unexpected. This isn’t how things were supposed to end up. Niki: Maybe not, but what can you do? Mr. G: Is it serious? Niki: Well, we’re madly and passionately in love but I suppose…I guess he could… maybe… one day move away to India and be brutally slaughtered and eaten by wild tigers or elephants or something crazy like that. Does that help? Mr. G: Uh…I guess so. I can work with that. Niki: (brightly) Glad to hear! For the time being though, would you care to accompany me to the dock for your smoking pleasure? (holds up joint) Mr. G: Yeah…that would probably be the best idea right now. (the two exit arm in arm) (lights up on Elissa and Scottie) Elissa: So what are you doing, trying to smash that lighter just because you think it MADE us break up? You think I’m not upset too, Scott? You think I was just waiting for any old excuse to pull these problems out of my hat? Scottie: (sullenly) You’re not wearing a hat. Elissa: (opens her mouth and starts pointing like she’s about to yell) Scottie: No, just…just shut up, please. It was a JOKE. If you weren’t so bitter you’d be able to laugh it off and realize that I’m trying to come to grips with what happened earlier. You seriously think I want to break this…this stupid pink lighter (examines it) because I can honestly blame it for what happened? It doesn’t have the power to affect anything, it’s a little piece of plastic. Elissa: Well it can… set things on fire. Generally speaking. Scottie: See? That wasn’t so bad, for once you weren’t insulting me and it was still funny… (looks at audience) Sorta. I just wish you could see that I’m looking for a way to DEAL, even if it might not be ‘mature’ enough for you to understand. Elissa: (resignedly) Scott…do you, do you really think I come across as bitter? Everyone’s been saying that tonight and…and I’m sorry that I had to hurt you, Scott. It was really the last thing in the world that I wanted to do but…but you know it had to happen eventually right? Scottie: Yeah…yeah the spark. I know. You don’t have to be so brutal all the time though, you know? Cynicism can be overrated. Elissa: Yeah… (hugs Scottie) I’m going to miss you. Scottie: I’ll miss you too babes. Elissa: Do you think we can still be friends? Scottie: Well, you’re supposed to wait for half of the total time that you were dating for before you can even talk again, and we hooked up in…OAC… so I guess I could call you in about 1.5 years? Elissa: Ha ha, good one Scott. Scottie: Yeah…hah…funny…riiiiight. (they pull apart but their hands linger. Finally they part decisively.) Scottie: C’mon, let’s go. (they exit, Scottie curiously looking at Katie as they pass. He flips the lighter into her lap and lights on her come up instantly. She looks around to find the stage empty, and examines the lighter.) Katie: (addressing the audience) You know…it’s funny. I thought that I had so much to say before but all of a sudden it feels like none of it was even important at all. It feels like I’m missing something huge and meaningful, a gigantic undercurrent that swirls through all the tiny details of life but which ultimately gets ignored because people are so busy examining and worrying about those details instead of stepping back from the microscope to see what’s really going on. Like, just the other day I was at the gym and… (lights start to go down and Katie looks up angrily) What? What was wrong with that? I was being insightful…it was an EXAMPLE! (lights are down; Katie stands up, crushed) Well it’s not like anyone’s around to hear me anyways. (Katie exits)
SCENE 6 – An Ending (Of Sorts) (Elissa, Scottie, Mr. G and Niki are sitting on the dock – ie the edge of the stage – from left to right in that order. Niki is obviously holding the joint. Katie enters with Grey just after lights come up. He is clutching his side, looking confused. Everyone twists around to look at the two coming up behind them.) Niki: Grey! Katie: I tripped over him on my way down here…he was spread-eagled on his face, out cold! For a second I thought maybe he was dead until I …accidentally…kicked him a few times in the side and he rolled around a little. I think he’s still out of it, though. Elissa: Grey, what happened to you? You were chasing SteveBrad like a maniac… Grey: What? I dunno…I don’t remember very much, it’s all a haze right now. (rubs head) I think I was looking…searching…for something again… Elissa: You must’ve blacked out, you big lush. Come sit down, you’re looking a little queasy there. (Grey sits beside Elissa. Katie looks around, makes a big show out of counting how many people sit in rotation to the right of Niki which none of the others notice, holds her left hand up in an L shape, looks at Niki again, looks at the lighter in her right hand and finally sits beside Niki) Mr. G: (leaning across to talk to Grey) So what was with you tonight, man? You were all over the map. Scottie: Yeah, you were definitely fucked up. (glancing at Elissa) Er… I mean, you weren’t acting your usual charming self. Grey: Hah. Sorry for worrying everyone…sometimes I get into these weird moods when I drink. I’m still trying to remember what happened though; it’s on the EDGE of my mind. (leans out to address everyone, however, he cannot see the pink lighter Katie is holding out casually in her hand) Don’t you hate that, when you get the sense that there’s something incredibly important you should know but even if it’s right in front of your face, you still draw a blank? And then it just hits you…BAM! Out of nowhere. Katie: And you can’t believe that you didn’t see it sooner. Niki: I think it’s the worst when you don’t remember until it’s too late. Who’s got a lighter? (Katie instantly offers the pink to Niki, who accepts with a smile and tries many times to light the joint. The lighter is almost out of fluid) Mr. G: Yeah, and you get that sick sense of irony in the pit of your stomach, knowing that if only you could’ve figured it out earlier, it might’ve been useful. Scottie: I don’t think that’s ever happened to me. Elissa: Yeah me either, you guys are crazy like hyenas. (takes out her smoke pack) Hey, where’s that lighter? Niki: (shaking it vigorously) It’s almost out of gas. I still can’t get this thing lit! Mr. G: Turn it on its side for a few seconds. Scottie: Smash it on the dock a few times. Elissa: Blow into the top. (everyone looks at Grey, as it is his turn to offer a suggestion) Grey: (snaps to) Huh? Katie: Let me try! Niki: Got it! This lighter is pretty much at the end of the mortal coil though. (inhales) Mr. G: Oooh, fancy linguistics. Niki: There are so many cool ways to describe something dying, dontchya think? (passes the joint to Mr. G and the lighter to Katie, who grabs it eagerly before realizing that it is indeed the lighter. She looks visibly upset to be at the tail end of the rotation) Elissa: (putting away smokes) I should really be quitting anyways. Scottie: Oh yeah? Those statistics and guilt trip commercials getting to you or something? Elissa: Nah, it just starts to get boring. (Mr. G nudges Scottie to pass him the joint, Scottie takes it and looks at it hesitantly) Mr. G: If you’re gonna hold it you might as well be smoking it. Katie: Oh ho! Mr. G, you should definitely be in one of those peer pressure public service announcements with that suave attitude of yours. Niki: (to Mr. G) What’s your real name, anyways…Mr…G? (Scottie smokes, coughs violently and quickly passes to Elissa) Mr. G: Cough to get off! (slapping Scottie on the back. Niki, her question unanswered, lies back on the dock) Elissa: (rubs Scott’s back briefly) It’s true, you know. (nudges Grey) Hey dreamerboy, wake up and hit this. Grey: Oh…oh sorry, I’m still trying to remember. (takes joint) Elissa: Well that’ll make you remember…you might forget your name though. So what is it that you’re always looking for, Grey? Grey: See, I’m not entirely sure. I’ve always just had this feeling that there’s more going on around us than we ever realize. Katie: (looking up in the air angrily) That sounds vaguely familiar. Grey: No, seriously…sometimes…very rarely, I can see things in this really screwed up way. Train this down to the end, will ya? (joint goes down the line to Katie during Grey’s speech, who receives it with relish and smokes way more than anyone else did) Grey: The closest I can come to explaining it is…you know when you throw things in a pool of water, how they make ripples on the surface? Well the circles of waves are constantly running into each other and changing, adjusting. Big ripples swallow little ones and everything affects everything else in various ways – and this may seem weird, but I can see that all around me every so often. And I can see where the big waves come from. Mr. G: Wow, that’s fucking CRAZY! Niki: (sitting up quickly) Quiet! So you…you chase the things that cause the big ripples in life? Grey: Yeah, I guess so…some things just feel significant to me. Now I just have to retrace my steps and…and figure out what I was after tonight. (turns slightly away and visibly looks like he’s pondering) Niki: Hmmm… Elissa: You know, I think you would be a lot happier if you just learned to enjoy yourself instead of always chasing after these stupid symbols of yours, Grey. I mean, you never notice anything unusual when you’re sober, right? So what if this is all in your head? Niki: Well – Elissa: I’m just saying, if he’s chasing after the “meaning of life” or whatever, isn’t it kind of eluding the point to miss out on everything that life has to offer because he’s always on these crackhead searches? He missed all the crazy stuff that happened tonight! He’s never even kissed a girl! Mr. G & Katie: Whoa! Grey: Hey… (at this point, Scottie should be staring off into the audience and focusing on various members with an odd expression on his face, pointing at them limply, as if he can actually see them but is unsure of their substantiality) Elissa: I’m sorry…but seriously Grey. From what you’re saying, it seems to me like your little adventures are undercutting what you’re really looking for. There’s no magical artifact that has the power to instantly set things right for you and tell you what life’s all about. Grey: No…I don’t think there is either…but it just feels like I should make an effort. There must be some reason why this is happening to me and I KNOW…I somehow KNOW that the second I can even touch one of these big ripples – even for a second – then I’ll figure out what I have to do with myself, where I’m supposed to be going. (Elissa shakes her head and the two turn away from each other slightly) Mr. G: (stage whisper to Niki) Is this really happening? Katie: (stage whisper to Niki) What’s going on? (Niki flops backwards) Scottie: Hey…I know this sounds weird but do you…do you guys SEE people? Like out there (gestures to audience), WATCHING us? Mr. G: What? No man…that’s the river. Katie: (squinting) I can sorta…kinda…nope, it’s just water. Scottie: But…I can…oh geez, I must be high. (buries his head in his hands) Katie: Hey, this is pretty much done, conveniently enough. Anyone else want to take a final shot at it? (looks down the line, joint proffered. Everyone turns it down) Katie: Good, because it’s four AM and I’m thinking about hitting the sack. Does anyone want this sad, unusable lighter? Mr. G: Well… Nah, I don’t know what I’d do with it anymore…it seems to have lost its significance to me. Elissa: Yeah, I’m not so sure I need a reminder anymore. Katie: Okay then, into the river it goes. Goodbye pink lighter…I knew you briefly, but you were noble and serviceable despite your horrible colour handicap. (Katie drops the joint beside the stage and heaves the lighter into the river – ie audience. Final song starts playing) Grey: (suddenly snaps to alertness) Did she just say pink? Elissa: Goddamn it, Grey, we’re going home before this gets any worse. (She gets to her feet and heaves Grey up also) Grey: No…but…what just happened? It was pink! (stares out into the audience wildly) Elissa: Goodbye all, thank you for a lovely and bizarre evening…Niki, are you coming with us? Niki: (snapping up) Sure. Grey: What was pink!?? Mr. G: (shaking his head) What a weird night. (everything from this point onwards is done silently to music. Elissa starts pulling Grey towards the side exit while Niki hugs Mr. G and whispers briefly in his ear, says goodbye to Katie and stands up. Grey is visibly upset, pointing at the audience and struggling, Elissa looks frustrated and Niki looks like she’s trying to be understanding to both parties. As Elissa, Niki and Grey exit, Katie looks around, gets up and goes over to Scott, putting one of her hands on his shoulder. He looks up at her, she says something which is obviously flirtatious and then exits herself. Scottie takes one last fearful look at the audience, shakes it off, slaps hands with Mr. G and exchanges brief words, then gets to his feet and ambles off himself. Mr. G remains sitting, with his head in his hands until lights go down at the end of the song. This entire sequence takes place in about 1:00 of time) FIN.
© Chris Clemens 2003 |
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