Valentine's Day Massacre
Written February 8, 2003

So February’s here, and I honestly think that we’re in the middle of the worst month in the entire calendar. Everyone’s sick of snow and cold once the thrill of December holiday consumerism has subsided, and the bitter realization that you’re broke, hungry and have to face another semester full of midterms and essays hits you with the force of a freight train that is travelling significantly faster than freight trains usually go. Toss in the stress of finding next year’s living accommodations and the beginning of the summer job hunt and you’ve got yourself 28 days of bad news bears. The universe even feels it necessary to deliver one parting kick in our backs by tossing in an extra day every four years. February sucks. I hate you, February!

But hey, to make up for all the shit that we go through we have been granted the ultimate reward in the form of Valentine’s Day, a holiday which blossoms the flower of true love in happy couples and bestows us with a shower of pieces of chocolate, cartoon hearts and cutesy cards which read “I choo-choo choose you!” Sounds great, right? Unfortunately not, and it looks as though Cupid might be losing his pinpoint aim because I’m beginning to notice a rising swell of dissatisfaction and bitterness surrounding the celebration throughout our love-filled campus. Maybe he’s practicing his head shots at Laurier, bored with the mundanity of piercing hearts with his arrows.

As I was walking through Conestoga Mall the other day, I couldn’t help but notice the jewellery and card stores were cashing in on Valentines Day to the full extent of their power, marketing products with slogans like “Show that you care with a diamond” and “Buy your woman this teddy bear or she’ll schlock your best friend and mail you pictures afterwards.” Unhappy looking guys used the last of their laundry money to purchase overpriced, gaudy-looking trinkets, hoping to win their girl’s heart while females viewed the same merchandise distastefully, wishing furtively that such crappy gifts would not be aimed in their direction come the 14 th, while realizing its inevitability. Valentines Day didn’t look fun for couples.

Back at the Laurier campus, all I heard were complaints. “Being alone sucks, I’m going to drink a 40 of JD to myself next Friday and watch Care Bears.” “Nobody’s giving me a Valentine because I am a horrible monster and I pray for death.” “I’m having Valentines knee surgery!” An overwhelming sentiment of hostility towards the Cupid’s festivities seemed to be predominant. Valentines Day looks depressing for single people, too.

I remember when Valentines were fun, back in the third grade. Everyone got a boatload of candy and if one person was given a funny cartoon card, everyone else in the class had to get one too. It was the rules, and they worked well. Nobody went home feeling excluded and everyone ate chocolate and those pastel, chalk-tasting hearts with dumb slogans on them until they were fat and bloated. Good times.

Not so much anymore. Guys don’t generally mind being exempted from Valentines Day because it means we don’t have to blow all our money on flowers and more stupid stuffed animals, but I’ve heard more envious, bitter comments from single girls in the last few weeks than ever before. They’re not missing much. Valentines Day has been essentially reduced to showing someone how unique and special they are to you by giving them a generic teddy bear holding a gigantic red heart that says “I love you” … which is also being received by millions of other girls at precisely the same moment.

I realize that I’m being extremely cynical here. I know people who have had great, meaningful Valentines Day experiences in the past, and the idea of a specific day where you show someone special that you care is a fundamentally great idea. However, I think that Valentines Day in its current form, with its merchandising tie-ins and incredibly high media-generated expectations, causes more harm than it’s worth and generally contributes to the horror that is February. Let’s trade in the Cupid for something new.

Hahaha wow I'm bitter. I think I wrote this because a lot of people were expressing negative sentiments about V-Day on MSN one night and I thought "You know what? Nobody likes fucking Valentine's Day." Maybe some do, but they sure weren't talking to me that night and I had nobody to balance the scales. The result: Bitterness! A lot of people liked this column though, as I recall. A certain someone named Suse was a big help on this one.