Build Your Own Trite Column
Written November 24, 2002

If there’s one thing I have learnt while writing for the Cord, it’s that you can’t humanly entertain or please every individual who lays eyes on this particular area of typographical real estate. This is unsatisfactory in my opinion, considering that the personal guarantee for this bi-weekly column is “100% Guaranteed Or Wilbur Will Eat the Paper It’s Printed On”. To save poor Wilbur from ingesting any more newsprint, I have decided that this week will mark an important step in my journalistic career. I will pack so many commonplace opinions and overdone complaints into one piece of writing that the average reader has to identify or agree with at least part of the column. Choose the bracketed options below that suit your viewpoints best and enjoy a custom tailored opinion that nobody can hate.

As I sat in (a bar, my room, the Concourse) last night, I began thinking about how most people here at Laurier have no idea why they’re even at school. It’s completely obvious that the purpose of post-secondary education is to (get you a job, get hammered a lot, steal all of your hard earned money). Anyone who’s here for a different reason is probably a (square, alcoholic, communist). My opinion is right.

On a related note, I really (despise, love) everything about (WLUSU, the Cord, my hair). It’s plain to see that everything is (going wrong, perfectly fine) here, and people should just (loudly complain, shut up) about the way things are going. There’s no way that (bias, equality, conditioner) has anything to do with this issue, so can’t we please just all join arms and sing (Iron Maiden, Dave Matthew Band, church hymns) in the Quad as a symbol of our desire to create a (unified utopian, moderately content, anarchist) student body? My opinion is right.

Oh mercy, lets move onto social commentary. I think that people of our generation are too (inconsiderate, shallow, Xtreme). Fixing this is top priority for the future of humanity and (public floggings, psychological help, less Mountain Dew) is what’s needed! Also, what’s the deal with sex? University kids are schlocking (way too much, not enough) these days. Fix it! Now! Be a model student, go to the Boar’s Head Dinner and as usual, my opinion is right.

Alright, that’s enough of that. Sardonic writing aside, the point here is that trying to please everybody with your opinion is ridiculous. The more you try to homogenize your views to coincide with the rest of the world’s, the less entertaining those ideas become. I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in individual opinions lately, in people who feel that recycling commonplace societal concerns as manifestations of their personal beliefs are satisfactory replacements for genuine opinion. Sure, you may mirror the majority’s attitude in certain aspects of life, but why try to pass off saying something like “Nobody liked the WLUSA strike” as a unique idea and tell people what they already know? It’s not okay to be smug about being right if you aren’t saying anything new.

I see this summarizing of popular opinion as a form of redundant cultural regurgitation that really isn’t necessary. We’re university students with a highly developed and specialized outlook on life and there’s no reason at all that we shouldn’t be able to devise our own concepts, or even a uniquely individual twist on a common viewpoint. Sure, not everybody is going to agree with you or like what you have to say, but there’s a price you have to pay to be different. If things keep going this way, everyone’s opinions will be capable of being neatly packaged into three or four rigidly overarching ideologies and Wilbur will eat this column no more because my views will be perfect duplicates of yours. Wallow in secure, uninteresting mundanity or take a chance on a fresh new idea, it’s up to you.

So here I tried something else, something akin to a choose your own adventure book where people presumably pick their very own options. Of course it's all for humour's sake but at least I tried a new slant on things. Not really sure what inspired this... perhaps a choose your own adventure book? When I read those, I always chose the option that seemed the shadiest just so I could see how many ways there were to die.