Study That Porn!!
Written December 4, 2002

Porn. Most people see it as a form of evil indolence, an erotic compilation of filth that only serves as a mono-sexual enhancement aid for the perverted who cruise the internet searching for young boys to cyber-rape. Others view porn as an amusing diversion for when they are hopped up on mushrooms or wacky-tobaccy or whatever those damn kids are doing these days. Me, I don’t know anything about that shit, but I do think that people are missing out on an integral function of pornography: education.

Yes, you heard me right. Extending far beyond the role of simple entertainment, porn contains a wealth of sexual knowledge just waiting to be discovered by those who are intelligent enough to unlock its instructive knowledge and apply it to their own romantic encounters. If everybody followed the simple rules for copulation that are laid out in the pornographic archetype, sex would be a lot more satisfying.

For starters, we need to eliminate the need for pesky conversation and foreplay that takes up valuable fornication time. In porn, one only needs to be a refrigerator salesman or a pizza boy and make random house calls until eventually some skanky housewife tears off your clothes and begs you to bend her over the kitchen table. The everyday conventions of actually talking to someone and getting to know them before sex seems woefully inefficient compared to the carefree lives of XXX stars. Arabian rap sensation Group-X definitely got it right with their lyrics “I don’t want relationship, I just want BANG BANG BANG!” Thanks guys, more people need to listen to you.

Sex should also be a timeless marathon. After all, who wants to watch a porno that ends after three minutes with an embarrassed grunt and the girl wailing unhappily “Was that IT?” in the background? Real life should reflect the pornographic level of excellence in terms of copulation longevity, with no excuses! Unless, of course, you are playing the role of the wimpy incompetent boyfriend who gets overshadowed by the manly man-man that busts through the front door and immediately hops on top of your girl, in which case you are the unfortunate tool of a conventional plot line and should immediately recede into the background.

If any buddies or random half-dressed women should happen to drop by during your hopefully hours-long session, they should immediately join in enthusiastically without anybody saying a word. Sharing is simply good etiquette and I’m surprised that more couples haven’t taken up this habit of sexual communism. Erotic media says “The more, the better!” and our archaic capitalist society should reform and agree.

Communication should be kept to a minimum, with males either saying “Yeah, that’s right baby,” repeatedly or making horribly guttural sounds like “GRRRRRAURGH!!” at sporadic intervals. You know that you’re doing this correctly when you sound like Ja Rule’s backup vocals in the latest R&B chart-topper. Females should moan at ear-deafening levels at all times in an effort to show their intense level of satisfaction, even if they aren’t particularly blissful. They can occasionally interject obscenities at times, provided they are spoken with the sole purpose of being a turn-on. Actual talking has no place here, because who wants to discuss quantum physics and emotions during sex? These rules just keep participants on task and get rid of hindering mental clutter.

Although these are a small handful of the beneficial conventions that you can learn from pornography, understanding and applying them to your life is a good start towards having the great sex that you’ve always wanted. While you may think that taking shots in the eye and weird fetish fisty-fisty stuff may seem gross now, studying enough erotic films should fix you right up. After all, you want to have as much fun as porn stars do. They always look like they’re having a great time, don’t they? Don’t they?

Okay so this was a total joke - it went in the Cord joke issue, where everything is fake and designed to mess with people. Sadly enough, I actually tried to make a point at the end of this column. Or maybe the whole column was making a point. I don't really know anymore. Hahaha fisty-fisty! I just noticed that. Anyways, for the love of God please don't take any of this pseudo-advice or your significant other will probably mutilate your genitals. And not in the good way.