Indifference
Written July 10, 2003

The more you care about something, the less chance you have of succeeding.

“Why Chris,” you might say upon reading this blasphemy, “That’s the most utterly wretched thing I’ve ever heard, you pessimist Americano pig-dog! My mother always told me that I could do or be whatever I wanted if I tried hard enough, even a princess!” Well guess what? You aren’t a princess and you definitely aren’t doing a princess, despite your best efforts. 1 point for me, 0 for your mom.

In my experience, the true formula for success is complete apathy. While looking for a summer job I went to numerous co-op interviews in a thrice-cursed suit, sans eyebrow ring and brandishing a dandy little portfolio. I carefully watched my language and laughed with false heartiness at some of the worst jokes I have ever heard. Ever.

A little discouraged from the constant rejections, my enthusiasm for being a pandering sycophant began to wear thin. My suit was wrinkled and the portfolio was in bad shape, having been cruelly forced to play the role of plate/doorstop/Frisbee in addition to holding paper. It got to the point where I found myself sitting in an office one day, rambling semi-incoherently about leaking water pipes and my hatred for previous bosses, and realized that I just didn’t care anymore. I somehow got the job.

Indifference seems to be a key aspect of success in almost every facet of my life, even school. Studying long into the night and desperately praying for divine assistance before an exam is a death wish, the academic equivalent to telling a burly Scotsman that you like his cute plaid skirt. As long as I vaguely know the course material and nonchalantly stroll into the exam room without a strong desire to succeed, I’ll do well.

If you peer back into your filthy, bloodstained past, you’ll probably find examples in your own lives where caring too much about something fucked you over. Relationships are the most frequent occurrences – everyone’s seen at least one friend pour their heart and soul into the pursuit of that special someone, only to be ripped to shreds when their object of affection hooks up with a haughty bitch or bass-pumping Neanderthal. Curiously, the bitch and the caveman always care less about their new romantic acquisition than your ruined, trampled friend. This is the stuff whiny emo music is made of.

I’m not entirely sure why the world is like this. Perhaps the Being Above takes a sadistic pleasure in crushing dreams like PC Cola cans shot with a high-velocity potato gun, dangling enticing bait in front of our eyes and yanking it out of our grasping, sweaty palms at the very last second. Maybe I’m completely wrong and happily believing this ridiculous garbage while enjoying the greatest string of luck ever – and it’s only a matter of time before it runs out.

But what if there’s some merit to my way of thinking? Indifference conceivably leads to decreased stress levels, which are proven to enhance performance at anything from academics to schlocking. Caring too much, or obsessing, about something eventually results in non-innovative thinking, tension or the stalking of an unfortunate victim, none of which are exactly recipes for a successful life.

I’m not advocating that people should become fat and bloated on their couches while waiting for Fame and Fortune to hit them in the face with a frying pan, but if you’re one of those poor saps who tries and tries but can’t succeed, maybe you should just stop caring so damn much.

I still think this theory holds true. It's stood up against my own personal scrutiny time and time again, and even if it doesn't work for others I will always maintain that the less I care about something, the better I'll do at it.