Holiday Pessimism
Written November 28, 2004

“I can’t wait to be done already.” The resounding resentment echoes across campus, magnified by every deadline and compounded each time we fall down the library stairs. We stress, we cry, we gorge, we drug ourselves to survive. Exams loom on the horizon, one final deathtrap placed in our paths before – what? Freedom? The end of dreaded level 4-1? Nondenominational holiday festivities?

It’s an inexplicable goal, this dangling reward which keeps us running towards the semester finish line. Think about it. What are you rushing to finish school for?

The Joys of the Christmas Miracle

Premise: Jesus died for our sins, and now we get to look at candles and babies and stuff and our parents will probably make us watch The Passion of the Christ in addition to the usual bevy of Christmas propaganda.

Advantages: You’re not going to hell, guy!

Drawbacks: The Passion is a snuff film, Christmas is mysteriously meaningless to non-Christians, Jesus is probably mad at you for looking at all that porn when you should’ve been studying.

The Joys of Christmas Presents

Premise: Santa Claus breaks into houses across the world and leaves us presents, defying conventional physics and providing lazy ad agencies with an easy holiday marketing angle.

Advantages: Christmas cash allows drinking to recommence.

Drawbacks: Supporting an evil consumerist society, finding time to buy presents when exams only end the day before Christmas Eve, Santa is probably mad at you for making out with your cousin back in grade school. He’s always watching.

The Joys of Family

Premise: You get to go home and saturate yourself with wholesome family love. Bonus game: Keep your childhood image and don’t let the parents find out what a slut you’ve become!

Advantages: Home-cooked meals that cover all four food groups – none of which is Pizza Pizza, shockingly enough. Sometimes family can be nice.

Drawbacks: Sometimes family can be infuriating, massive constrictions on your personal privacy and freedom, your parents are probably mad at you for becoming a pothead and/or an alcoholic without consulting them first.

The Joys of Being Done

Premise: You’re finished the semester!

Advantages: No more all-nighters, caffeine addiction or stress convulsions. You’re done!

Drawbacks: Tragically failing at least one class, coming right back in two weeks to start again with automatonic rigor, your professors are probably mad at you for being so stupid.

The Joys of Pessimism

Premise: Writing a Cord column about how badly everyone wants to be done school and then twisting it to cruelly expose the worst parts about everything they’re looking forward to after exams.

Advantages: Sarcastically cool, it’s easy to criticize the holidays, you fit in perfectly with today’s MTV generation.

Drawbacks: Hating life is becoming a huge cliché, philosophical gang-beatings, everybody is probably mad at you for turning this column into a serious year-ending buzzkill.

But look deeper.

Did you look deeper? This column started as a lighthearted piece of shit about exams but turned into some weirdo trip. Call it an experiment.