Dragon Warrior Retrospect
Written February 9, 2004

Once upon a time in my youth I came across a game called Dragon Warrior and decided to give it a shot. The resulting experience consisted of randomly walking a tiny pixilated character around until the music went all wonky and I was forced to destroy a tiny personification of a puddle of slime by selecting the word “Fight” from a menu 20 times. Every time I killed enough slimes I was rewarded with the ability to kill slimes faster in some way. These slimes also mysteriously dispensed gold coins from their oozing carcasses, and eventually I was able to purchase a sword to replace my previous weapon (a blunt stick) and kill the slimes in a slightly more humane manner. Sometimes I went to towns where people would offer helpful suggestions such as “Thou art the mightiest warrior in the Threefold land!” which gave me the enthusiasm to kill thousands more of these slimes in my valiant effort to decimate their civilization. I also killed some other stuff, and days later I eventually I killed the last boss (who was some sort of dragon, if I recall) and went outside to play basketball. I never played Dragon Warrior again.

Well this was useless.