Classic Video Games Revisited
Written November 10, 2003

Duck Hunt

In this annoying sidekick to the original Mario Brothers, a duck flies around sporadically in a poorly rendered background while you futility try to murder it with a neon red laser gun that was supposed to be Nintendo’s Next Big Thing. Sometimes there are two ducks. A dog laughs mockingly at you when you suck. Despite how utterly enraged you might be, he is completely immune to your shots even if you put the gun two inches from the screen and empty an entire clip into his smug face. This game would have been infinitely better if the ducks were equipped with rocket launchers so they at least have a fighting chance, and the dog was a Nazi general leading them on a nefarious mission against democracy. Oh yeah, and it would help if the laser gun was actually accurate.

Donkey Kong

Oh no, an evil Donkey Kong has stolen a pink blob that is apparently a princess or woman of some kind! Mario must save her by running and jumping around on construction girders while Kong throws an infinite supply of barrels at him. However, Mario has the advantage when he grabs a gigantic fucking hammer which chops stuff up and triggers the most annoying music of all time. Saving the pink female is virtually impossible, as completing every level merely restarts the game with the gorilla throwing barrels at light speed instead of his usual leisurely pace. The huge controversy that this game arouses is the unfortunate pitting of two prominent Nintendo mascots against each other. If Donkey Kong was redone today, the pair would have a cup of tea with Yoshi before heading off on a magical mystery quest to defeat the evil Sony and Microsoft kingdoms and regain Nintendo’s market share with barrels and oversized hammers in hand. There would probably be jumping, too.

I must've been on drugs when I wrote this. I'm still right about the evil Duck Hunt dog though.