Gratuity TwennyThree
Pictures taken January 5-9, 2005,
including a commendable and sassy level of contribution by Marta K.

A birthday is a wonderful thing, thoughtfully bestowed upon us by our parents and probably a cheap bottle of wine. Originally intended to be a series of markers showing one's progression to maturity, this idea was tossed aside when someone realized that birthdays make people drunk, not responsible.

And so the birthday became an excuse for people to get together with friends, to celebrate, to do shots of the most disgusting concoctions invented by humanity. The birthday became an ode to sweet gratuity.

It also became an opportunity to cram multiple picture galleries onto one page!

Chapter 1: Keeping Jen in "Czech"

Amidst the giddy swirling circus lights of Molly Bloom's, one
VERY clearly foreign girl sits. Her name is Czech Republic Jen.
She is from South Korea. It's her birthday! She's twennythree
too!

Jen begs for reprieve as a staggering array of shots is laid out
before her. Look at those pleading eyes, they could melt butter
off a Shetland pony!

After inhaling the shots with little to no mercy, Jen shows us
how they didn't affect her ONE BIT! She's TOTALLY SOBER!

Meanwhile, Chad contemplates forthcoming tomfoolery with a
mischievous grin and a cup full of beer. Poor Rob suspects nothing!

I think he knows now.

Somebody's sad. Hint: it's not Gavin.

The obligatory Teen Girl Squad picture! Soooooooo good!

Sobriety Jen steals the mic (and the hearts) of Black Water Trio,
dropping mad beatz with devastating precision.

Chad has amassed a fine collection of beers and arranged them
on the table for onlookers to see (for a small viewing fee, of course).

"I hate beer!" roars Hoodie, as she angrily empties her rum and
coke into Chad's pants. Not pictured: squeezing the rum and coke
back into the glass afterwards.

In an unrelated story, Kyle poured beer all over his pants. Ha ha ha!
Or maybe he peed himself! Hilarious!

Good times had by all! Jen remained completely sober, even while
standing on chairs screaming at random guys across the room,
kicking everyone's ass in a chugging contest, dancing like a go-go
girl and making out with a Shetland pony in the stables behind
the bar. Vietnam would be proud of you, Czech Republic Jen!

Chapter 2: Bryn Boyce & The Frenchie Frog Caper

Wilf's: the last bastion of freedom for Bryn Boyce, soon to be
exported to France for "educational" opportunities. Wilbur and
Brandon, two roommates helplessly addicted to the chiba, try
to look on but they're just... so... tired... man. Wilbur you stonebag!

I believe this legal document claims that I had sexual relations
with Carly's mother. Carly is angry but cannot argue against
the evidence except with crude hand gestures!

Bryn verifies the papers and, finding them in order, also admits
that he may have had a part in the doing of Carly's motha. Luckily,
such activities are highly praised in France.

Pinchy hops onto the bandwagon... and by that, I mean onto
Carly's mom! Bwa ha ha!

Now THIS is just uncalled for.

I mean seriously, how could you hate anyone who's this stunningly
beautiful??

April shows off her new diamond engagement ring, which is so
dazzlingly bright that she can land commercial aircraft during
power outages and bring dead people back to life on alternate
Tuesdays. Good luck with your new magical powers (and fiance)
April!

And good luck to Bryn during his spy missions in Freedom Hating France. Travel tip: say something bad about Americans every half hour while overseas! Just do it.

Chapter 3: Find a Picture of Yourself & Show a Friend!
(Unless You Look Uncharacteristically Hideous)

"So tequila, we battle again. This is my friend Laura... I don't
believe you've ever met... oh? You want to make her drunk
super-fast? Like a toddler with a gin pacifier, you say? Aight."

For those of you not "in the downlow know forshizzle", this bar
is known as Phil's, or as Dirty Phil's for the less illuminated.
Phil's has been the gracious host of my birthday for the previous
four years, delivering cheap drinks and general retardedness
with impunity.

One of these things is not like the others, one of these things
just doesn't belong... it's SARA THE BLONDIE McBLONDO!

You might say that it's not fair that I get to take up the entire
left hemisphere of this picture... but fuck you, it's my birthday.
It's a well known fact that birthdays giganticize you by 150%.

Straight out of C-Bridge, Cammy D and his fabulous Danish mail
order bride!

"Something is bubbling in our bellies!" Guess what ladies, it's
the burgeoning son of tequila. Or, as Laura would say: "Jizz."
That's filthy, Laura, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
This is a G-rated webpage for family viewers.

Alicia and Jen have matching beers! That's so cute. And
symmetrically pleasing to the eye!

I'm a little disturbed that given the choice between a sassy-hot
Laura and Rob "Mr. Tumnus" Judge, I am most definitely looking
in Rob's direction here.

Look! See! I'm totally not gay! Check out all these wenches packed
around me! Look at all those girlie faces! I'm lovin' it! That's proof
...right?

Oh no!

Well at least I'm not retarded like these guys.

Or holding a purse.

The purse parade continues with the lovely Cammy D, sporting
a sassy demeanor and breaking all the rules by wearing his
purse on the LEFT arm. Avant-garde artist at work here!

Gavvy-Cakes, the up and coming Australian purse model, shows
that purse wearing can be stylish AND fun!

Tim demonstrates the sheer insanity of the modern purse. I'm
going to take a gamble and say that this picture happened during
his famed alcohol blackout. Just a guess.

And finally, Chad strikes a textbook purse pose. He's been in this
game for a long time, folks, and knows all the subtle nuances of
purse modeling by now. He knows what gets the juices flowing.

Hey, you know what's a funny word? Purse. Try saying it to
yourself out loud. Pursity pursity purse purse purse.

Nik "The Angry Greek" Rentas wants you to know that he left his
purse on a table and when he returned, it was GONE! At Phil's...
can you imagine? What a boorish establishment.

Further tragedy struck when Gavin, unwittingly posing for a routine
picture, was impaled through the forehead by a pink neon sign.

Bravely soldiering onwards, Gavin keeps posing naturally for
photos despite the pain of having a lighting fixture rammed into
his eye socket. Kyle is entranced by his stolid indifference.

Moving on now... check this out! This is the fine romancing that
Phil's is known for.

These kind of pictures are only good if everyone looks equally
drunk. Nikki: check. Katty: check. Chris: check out that collar!

Ryan: check. Jordanna: check!

Check and check! Hey, you know it might be kind of funny if these
two very similar pictures were ONE picture.

Hahahaha... yep. Funny! Other descriptive phrases could include
"sassily pixilated" or "mildly pornographic in a rather disturbing way".

Sara says "fuck you" and Laura says "I'm a red-bellied porpoise!"
and that's all well and good, but what's with the mysterious kid
behind them?

This guy hopped into the background of a ton of our pictures
which wasn't too surprisingly considering that, well, we were at
Phil's. I have dubbed him Sir Randomo and as you can see, I
loved him dearly.

Here's Sir Randomo with his friends, the Random Avenue Knights
Arranged in Random Order. Here's a fun game: try to find Sir
Randomo in other pictures in this gallery! It's like Where's Waldo
except that Randomo doesn't look at all distinctive.

Smooooth pimpin' and the inevitable Czech tongue!

Even smoother pimpin'... look at that face! Cold as ice. Rob cuts
his bitches no slack.

Smug pimpin'. Marta is obviously riding multiple rails and I don't
think Kristen can see the Greek smugness.

Shannon and Jenny are telling me secrets about what's going to
happen on The OC next week! I'm soooooo excited!

And Gavin is whispering sweet nothings into Marta's quivering
cheek: "Hey Marta, I hear your hair tastes like Long Island Iced
Tea."

I edited this picture to make it look 'historical' so Rob and Chad
would have something authentic to frame and show the grandkids
one day.

ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES.

ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT PHIL'S MAKEOUTS. (but why?)

Marta you are omnipresent like The Great Lord above!

Cam's nipples are the flavour of the month.

Insert one-liner here.

Ahhh the classic up-shot: the classy Phil's asbestos ceiling and
all of our nostrils in one alcohol fueled package!

I kind of like these though.

In fact, I apparently liked them SO MUCH that I decided that
everyone should share the wonder. Note Colin Cooper's saucy
head turn for maximum exposure - he's done this before.

The last thing a pizza ever sees.

The last thing a baby seal ever sees.

The last thing Tim sees before he blacks out and Hoodie carries
him home.

What the fuck is wrong with my tongue??

Kyle and Teen Girl Squad in the smoking area at Phil's - the
closest we'll ever get to an overcrowded prison camp! Unless
someone drags those bodies out of the Waterloo Park pond...

Apparently I was dancing on the stripper pole with Nikki? At
this point everything get a little hazy...prepare for bending of the
straight facts ahead!

Me and Kat, moved by Marilyn Manson's cover of "Personal Jesus",
decided to accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour.

For a brief instant, the world's polarity shifted and everything
turned upside down. Luckily Nikki was there to document this
momentous breach in conventional physics!

Dan somehow superglued his cup to his face with some kind
of lubrication product that he bought in the washroom.

DBo waited outside in line for an hour in the cold, cold night air
before coming to our house and almost making me throw up with
one last shot of Baileys. Then we set the world on fire accidentally.

Steph is interested in something here but I... just... can't...
tell... what!

And that was that. Twennythree had arrived, slipped through the door while nobody was looking, and life didn't seem to be much different. The same fantastic party people were still around and I had the same drunkish fool look on my face as always. We were certainly all over the gratuity aspect of the birthday.

But I know that a birthday is really only a milestone and it's the stuff that happens in between that's important. It's the lessons you learn and the experiences you share. I read this in a number of self-help books, so it must be true! And so, in the spirit of educational merit, here are three valuable lessons that we can take from the Twennythree.

Cam: "Purchase only the finest of Danish pastries! If you happen
to buy a subpar pastry, you can feed it to your dog or maybe your
girlfriend."

Kyle: "Not looking at the camera is a sign of brooding intelligence,
an indication of indie style. See how I'm doing this? Not looking?
This is art, motherfucker. Remember this pose."

Chad: "Don't do drugs!"