Oktoberfest @ Lotte World
Pictures taken October 15, 2005 (October 14 for those not living in the future on the Other Side of the World)

I have to admit, the prospect of an Oktoberfest-less Oktober seemed like a grim inevitability to me when I abandoned the drunken West for Korea. As the fateful month approached, I started looking at last year's pictures and crying like a German child deprived of wienerschnitzel. No German child should go without! They are the master race. Anyways, the weather cooled and I began to curse the universe for tearing me away from the gaudy feathered hats and polka Chicken Dances that I loved in Octobers of the past. Thankfully, I was not deprived of beer because Korea turned out to be a nation of boozers.

Huzzah! This terrible alcoholism was a sloppy kiss from a wasted angel! Unable to ignore an opportunity to grovel at mekchu's blurry feet, a certain theme park in Korea named Lotte World decided to cash in on the whole Oktoberfest thing... albeit in a fucked-up Korean kind of way. Chad saw an ad on TV and off we went on the subway one crisp Saturday morn. It was weird. It was wacky. But it was Oktoberfest!

This terrifyingly large raccoon would like to welcome you to Lotte World! Lotte is a super-brand over here
in Korea - hotels, fast food, department stores, etc - and this giant bourgeoisie fucker runs the show with his
elitist animal pals. Today he is drinking bourbon while the masses chug beer.

See? Lotteria: fast food.

For some weird reason, the floors behind the counter are raised.
You basically feel like you're ordering a Hot Squidburger Set
from Korea's most humongous specimens - hulking Asians
turned gigantic from grease. Then you notice that the floor on
their side of the divide is higher and think, "Ah. I see." But
you don't, not REALLY, because why the fuck would Lotteria
want their employees to look so huge?

I wasn't joking about the Hot Squidburger, by the way. Chad
actually bought it - it's there, on the right. The left burger, the
one that says "Happy Together"? Yeah, that's a plain ol' cheeseburger.
It doesn't really taste like a cheeseburger though.

Squidburger! Squiddy Goodness!

The only catch with the squidburger is that when they call it
'hot', they actually mean "mouth-rapingly spicy". Silly Western
Chad was fooled and here he is, paying the ultimate price.

These are the Lotte mascots: a pair of freakishly happy raccoons. Today they're drunk, in honour of
Oktoberfest. And they're each twice as big as Jen. Run for your fucking lives!!

This fat wasted bulldog wants to scrap!

And this stoned pig is French! Go go go!

Running away (into the park) costs 30 bucks, but at least you
get to carry one of the cheery mascots around in your pocket
all day long.

Translation from Chinese:

WE ARE ANGRY YOU HAVE CHOSEN 'KOREA LOTTE WORLD' FOR PLEASURE OUTING! YOU WILL
MAKE GOOD MEMORIES... OR ELSE, DIE!

So we were a little taken aback when we came through the gates
and found that the park was encased in a huge bubble dome.
I mean, sure, the plastic scenery was lush but we were used to
consuming our theme park fakeness OUTSIDE.

Side note: As we wandered aimlessly through the Dome, we were lassoed by some polka-dancers. Being whitey-white and therefore ripe for parody, me and Jen were immediately spotted and quickly shouted onto the stage. After giving us a curt dance lesson (... in Korean), the music blared and we pranced forwards, holding hands. Within three seconds we had bashed knees together and decided that Dancing Is Hard. Spontaneity kicked in and we acted like big Western idiots, twirling around in circles and boorishly running into people. I think I even did the Robot at one point. And the Lawnmower. It was terrible. My favourite part of the whole escapade was looking at the host and knowing that he wished he had just let us walk on by. Your mistake, fucker!

Fortunately, there was a pig in a window.

And he told us to go on a roller coaster. So we did!

It was named the French Revolution. I have this theory that
some Korean was leafing through an encyclopedia and happened
to notice that "the French Revolution was a roller coaster" (of
historical change). The metaphor was lost and the ride was born!

Anyways, no drunken guests allowed in the French Revolution.

At Lotte World, every ride ends with a free lobotomy.

THE CHAD IS ATTACK BY FEARSOME ELEPHANT TUSK BEAST!!!

The enchanted spires of Magic Island.

Side note: As we traversed our way through the park, our trusty English Guidebook suggested quality attractions to visit. Some highlights, with spellings in context:

The Adventures of Sind Bad - Explore the adventures of Sind Bad.
Actually: a cave... ride... thing or something stupid like that.

Camelot Carrousel - The romantic ride with 64 white steeds.
Actually: a Merry-Go-Round, with ZERO white horses. I checked.

Metro Madness - Crazy bumper cars crash everything.
Actually: Bumper cars. Westerners versus Koreans!

Lord Nelson's Armada - Nostalgic boat just for 2 of you.
Actually: Swan paddleboats in severe disrepair.

Drunken Basket - Spinning baskets in the air.
Actually: Uh...

Waikiki Wave: Never expecting by exreme twist.
Actually: Uhh...

Fantastic Odyssey: Fantastic fountain show by the harmony of water and fire.
Actually: Uhhh...

Flog Hooper: Jumping up and down like a flog.
Actually: What?

The Guide also encouraged us to get an Annual Membership: "A smart way to express your love to your family and lovers." Bring your kids to Lotte World, and also your sluts!

There was beer, of course, and the best part was that you
could drink while standing in line for rides! A vastly superior
Oktoberfest experience.

And these guys played polka! I don't think anyone knew what
to make of them. They played the Chicken Dance, an Oktoberfest
staple, and our table was the only one chickening. :(

"Chicken, you damnable Koreans!"

KOREA BEST FRIEND FOREVER!

"No cutting in line, puny humans or yea, I shall smite thee verily before ye ever meet yonder Atlantis coaster."

White knights pack the biggest heat.

Side Note: One very bizarre thing that I noticed about Lotte World was its complete and utter dedication to foreign culture, albeit often hilariously misguided and stereotyped. Byzantine castles, Disneyland-esque spires, the French Revolution... it seemed like the park's singular goal was to glorify European lineage. Korean presence was almost entirely ignored except for the fact that, you know, the park was owned, operated and populated entirely by Koreans. I don't know if this reflects some kind of inferiority complex or what, but Lotte World was very much like looking into a funhouse mirror: you see what you already know, but this time it's grotesquely warped. And there are stoned French pigs.

Anyways, we had to ditch the funhouse at 11:00 to catch the subway...

...Where a young girl was brutally beating her boyfriend. They
were playing some kind of slapping game involving rock-paper-
scissors (GOD the Koreans love rock-paper-scissors). Every
time he won, he tapped her gently on the wrist. Every time
SHE won, she mercilessly thrashed his forearm for minutes
at a time.

Me and Matt got really into the game, watching, and delivered
insightful colour commentary, to the girl's chagrin: "Ooooh!
Stop! Oh fuck, just leave him alone! Leave him alooooooooone!"

Side Note: One thing I noticed from watching Korean couples (and even groups of friends) all day is that they take great sadistic pleasure in slapping each other. Guys slapping girls, girls slapping guys, girls slapping girls... the Korean youth bonding process is definitively linked with physical pain. Usually the guys act like little bitches, trying to be stoic while the girl who 'likes' them whacks the shit out of their faces. I guess this is what happens when all your flirting takes place in your cell phone and sex talk is a no-no...

Anyways, I am going to slap some Korean girls one day soon, not because I like them but because those bitches need to be slapped.

Just look at the expression on this poor bastard's face! His arm
was all red and welted up. I wanted to tell him that everything
would be okay if he would just punch his lady in the eye one
time. But instead he sniffled a bit and I got off the subway.

It was my stop!

So Korean Oktoberfest wasn't very German, but neither was it very Korean or even especially English. To be honest I don't know what the hell it was. It was weird, I guess, but the important thing is that we kept the streak alive - we drank beer and ate sassage and saw stupid green hats just like old times. And to be honest, that was all I ever wanted here; an entire world away.