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Tooling around Toronto is hard work. Well, technically it is easy work because just have to sit beside a fat secretary on the subway until it arrives at the right place, but the logistics; oh lord, the logistics. If I have to teach in the morning but play dodgeball after dinner, what items go in the Billy Bragg Black Backpack before I leave? It's an hour back up to North York and then an hour back down if you don't logistic-ate correctly. If there are plans to attend a discotheque in the evening, where the fuck am I going to store this bag in the meantime? These questions plague and haunt me like a whorish ghost.

To give you an idea of the mind-wrenching decisions I have to make every day, I will now inventory the contents of the Billy Bragg Black Backpack. Yes, bloggity, we have reached an all new low... but at least you're still on life support. The plug is only inches away, you son of a gun!

-one (1) super-heavy course pack: Communications and International Development. The closest thing I have to anti-theft defense.

-one (1) hackeysack. The closest thing I have to athletics.

-five (5) pens. This is too many pens.

-one (1) office-sized stapler. York has free printing but no staplers... what a bunch of fingerpainting wanksters.

-one (1) hastily-written treatise on the ideology of white privilege that still needs to be marked.

-one (1) half-empty mickey of Canadian Club. Useful for treating gashes and other wounds. Apply to afflicted area, or to the mouth-hole.

-one (1) belt. Thought you could hide from me forever, eh belt?!? I'm going to wear you RIGHT NOW.

-one (1) bottle of Heinz-brand relish. Where did you come from?

-one (1) copy of Maclean's. Another provocative cover story about George W. Bush! This time they are comparing him to a baked bean (sexually).

While it is dreadful genocide to be living far from the downtown core, being fully prepared for a day estranged from the comforts of home is important. No, the Guitar Hero guitar will not fit. No, the Silver God is far too heavy and awesomely big to be a portable laptop. It is a 'home' laptop, that stays at home. Yes, remember to bring your USB key. And bring a bow tie, just in case you run into an old friend on the street and they invite you to the opera because their date was run over by a subway train. Bring kleenex. Stuff that backpack full.

Posted by Chris at 04:36 PM >> Commentations (1)