<< Me and mine | Main | lazyhipstercloned >>

Yesterday I called my mom. She tried to teach me how to boil corn ("Is that the salt? Are you putting the salt in? I can hear all that salt! Nooooooooooo!") and I jabbered on about how there are Two Gods and neither of them appreciate materialists. It was nice to talk about something that isn't The News - usually I mumble about how everything's ok, yes the roommates are ok, everyone's fine, no I'm not broke, etc, etc; and she tells me stories about how our cat escaped and couldn't be found for three whole hours (it was under the trambopoline, or maybe it's dead - I'm not a good listener).

The whole routine gets a little predictable, so I'm always pleasantly surprised when me and my mom accidentally fall into discussion of ideas and some depth and all that fancy jazz. I have decent conversations with my dad too, from time to time, but usually they're about some finnicky aspect of the Bible - tattoos are not linked with satanic witchcraft, Deuteronomy! Interaction with my sisters is limited to composing and singing songs about green apple Jolly Ranchers and taking it to them in Mario Kart. Sometimes I try to make them listen to black metal... unsuccessfully (they're very-berry Christian and Jesus says no to metal). They'll diversify. My brother is named The Boy, as am I whenever I go home, and he likes expensive things like stocks and cologne and name brand and and and. Bright kid but we don't have much in common. So there you go: an imprompteu introduction to my family, borne on corn.

I think maybe I'll make a better effort to get to know them. As cheesy as this sounds, my mom has inspired me to try harder.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Today I was on CKCO news at noon, inadvertantly promoting Parking Services' Commuter Challenge. Hoodie wheelbarrowed me (you remember this from childhood: someone grabs your legs and you giv'er forward with your hands) across the grass for the amusement of the camera and I realized "Holy wow, it's been a fuck of a long time since I wheelbarrowed." Because it has. And I'm solar powered now, so I think I could whoop my childhood self's ass in a wheelbarrow race if I could find a time machine... but I digress. The long and short of it is that Team Hoodie/Clemens prevailed in a grueling race through the Underpass and I broke the finish line tape with my face. Later, Parking Services Mary bought us lunch at Wilf's, and we shouted and yelled and hullabalooed so much when we saw ourselves on TV that we couldn't hear what was being said about our wheelbarrow prowess. I would imagine it might go something like this:

"Hahahaha, those bears and their bloodthirsty mauling... Anyways, on to a lighter note, Dan has been 'wheeling' around Waterloo, isn't that right Dan!?"

*awkward moment between anchors who have their teleprompters crossed; large shit-eating grins reappear quickly*

"Sure have Susan, and what I found outside Wilfrid Laurier University will SHOCK and ASTOUND you! Local students have been wheelbarrowing their way to work every single fucking day, all summer, every summer! Look at these kids go!"

"Dan, I don't think you can say 'fuck' on the air."

"Fuck off, Susan!"

*10 second montage of me and Hoodie wheelbarrowing, falling down, looking generally retarded. Chad rides his scooter with a look of intense concentration on his face, as if he were perhaps late for open-heart surgery and yet still managing to be enviro-friendly*

"And there you have it. Commuter Challenge, saving the ecosystem, preserving our world, yadda yadda yadda. But seriously, if you ever want to get smoked, absolutely smoked, in a wheelbarrow race, come on down to WLU and face these little rapscallions. They're fast, they're devious, they're Green Machines. If you've got 'em, smoke 'em!"

*fake laugh from Susan*

"Ahahaha. And now, the NASDAQ takes a long dive off a short pier..."

Posted by Chris at 03:54 PM >> Commentations (5)