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Today you'll wake up and decide to turn over a new leaf. You don't quite know where that expression came from - probably Robin Hood, that guy was totally ghey - but you know that turning over a new leaf means that things are supposed to be different. Like the front side of the leaf is green, and the back is mottled yellow and infested with meat-eating spiders who speak Hebrew. Different, y'know? And different is what you feel like.

Roll out of bed backwards to celebrate the occasion and awkwardly smash your skull on the orange traffic pylon that's been your bedside table since you-don't-know-when. You'll probably have a black eye, but you smile brightly nonetheless. You don't usually ravage your face in the mornings as far as you can remember, so Operation New Leaf is already a smashing success!

Build your day on this triumph. If your boss asks if you want to go for lunch, and you would usually say "Sure!" because you're a bootlicker who has eyes on middle management, say "Fuck no!" instead. If you usually drive home from work, today you should hitchhike and make sure that any generous benefactors who pick you up off the highway end up rotting in a ditch before sunset. Duck-walk back to your apartment, shaking gore out of your hair. Instead of hang-gliding with your illigitimate daughter after supper like you had planned, watch some TV instead. Alone. I hear reruns of Becker are today's hot topic.

As the hours wind down and police sirens scream in the distance, put some ice on that black eye and wash the blood off your clothes. Surprise! New Leaf You is obsessive-compulsive, and you can't stop washing no matter how hard you try. Flesh-eating spiders swarm up out of the water ducts, fully conversational in a dead language. This might be all in your head. After all, you weren't insane before you turned over a new leaf. You might be now. It's time to crawl back into bed and weep.

Tomorrow, you'll turn the leaf back over and buy Quizno's subs for the entire office as a tactful apology to your boss. You'll tell her: "Quizno's is expensive, but I think you guys are worth it." She'll sneer at you and mock your black eye. Nobody said anything about your eye today because you just seemed so much more badass than usual, but tomorrow will be different. Oh, tomorrow will be different. Don't watch the news, okay? What's done is done, and the leaf is turned.

Posted by Chris at 12:40 PM >> Commentations (0)