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Korea has some entertaining notions of sport for the Western critic. At first there's the initial blowback of "Whoa, so chicks will hold up freaky little placards of your giant head pasted on a cat's body and scream and weep for you on TV if you're a Starcraft player??" Then you gradually come to accept the fact that geeky boys with emo glasses and emo hair can be princely Cyber-Athletes in the public eye, and the bewildered mind can be freed to roam more enticing pastures.

For example, ass-kicking is very popular. There's K1, a hyped-up kickboxing circuit around Asia. Korea has a local hero at play here, a seven-foot something Andre who is slow as molasses but fearlessly rains down hammering blows on men half his size. Yes, you heard me right: a seven foot tall Korean. His name is some kind of Korean name that I can't remember, but all you ever have to do is say "MONSTER GIANT VERY VERY BIG BOY K1 PUNCHING!" and most Koreans will pick up what you're putting down. They love their very big boy.

Other ass-kicking exhibitions include Pride, in which men will kickbox and grapple enthusiastically, rolling around on top of each other in pursuit of some kind of homoerotic dominance. G5 is more of the same, although G5 fighters are strictly amateur and the whole shenannigan looks like it takes place in a casino backroom. The fights are usually poorly matched and some twenty-second degree black-belt will be fighting a flabby businessman who took some Pilates classes and wants to impress his wife. Extra entertainment is had when the camera flashes to the wife's look of abject disgust as her pitiful spouse is judo-chopped right in the fucking face. Sometimes a white guy will fight and he, too, will be mercilessly chopped and humiliated in some kind of racial super-battle-spectaculaire.

If you don't care for arm bars or low kicks, the Koreans have also taken it upon themselves to freakishly mate volleyball and soccer into a game which is played quite intently between university teams. It's basically (surprise!) volleyball, except instead of that bump set spike donkey-kong, they head and kick the ball like (surprise!) soccer. Basically if volleyball and soccer got wasted on soju one night and had an illegitimate sports lust-child, it would be this game exactly, no mailman surprises.

There are also the ye olde conventional sports in the mix: baseball, basketball and soccer, which is popular everywhere and never forget that or soccer will bomb your house. There's even an inter-Asian hockey league and Anyang, a nearby city, just made it into the playoffs so hopefully I'll get to go heckle a Japanese goalie sometime next month. He will never forget Korea is number one Asian destination for uncouth weigook devil-fans long time!

The great thing about the Korean adaptation of the Great National Sports League (see: NFL, NHL, NBA, that baseball one), is the delightful visage of The Corporation proudly propping up the circus tent for all to see. Beyond the simplistic plastering of stadiums and jerseys with tasteful advertising, the megacorps have inserted their parasitic brand into the very essence of its host. All of Korea's big business players own a slice of sport: they own the goddamn team names.

Lotte Lions, KTF Magic Wings, LG Telecom Twins. The Hyundai Unicorns are playing the Kia Tigers in the Auto Classic tonight, and one of these team names is very gay. What city are these teams from? Who the fuck knows, because all they're ever referred to is by their corporate sponsor! This is very dirty but also very ingenious, because if the Unicorns ever win the Pennant (or Silver Kimchi Victory Bowl, or whatever) then nobody is going to want to parade around cheering "Unicorns are awesome!" They are going to make big banners that say "Hyundai is number one, bitches," and then Hyundai is going to sell lots of cars because they are number one. Unless Kia is number one, in which case they will probably sell more cars. The whole debacle is quite a feat of advertising, anyway. It's a step over the line.

So next year, look for the breakout Clemensonline Donkeysliders to make waves in Pacific Rim equestrian sporting events, and possibly Counterstrike if our ping times are good.

Posted by Chris at 11:59 AM >> Commentations (1)