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Whereby

Tim forgets to buy beer and instead supplies our Super Bowl party with boxed wine

instantly making it the classiest affair in sports-watching history.

I crash the Retro Rock Lounge in some hotel in Mississauga with Pac-man Eyed Girl

and her dad, a 60-something year old British man, plays cover songs by the Beatles and Eric Clapton. Wah wah waaaaah! A Scuttbaby pounds her tiny fists in rage to the beat of the music. Old Chinese men rock and old white men rock and an Indian dude with a t-shirt depicting the fearsome Metal Horns decimates my drunken face with "Keep on Rockin' in the Free World". My eyes are summarily opened to this bold new multicultural strain of part-time elderly rockers. It is cold outside and I run like a ninja. Three women in a minivan equals participatory action in the driving and direction-finding process; I have never in my life experienced such democracy in getting from one place to another. Democracy = arguing, terrifyingly abrupt lane-changes and cutting off transport trucks.

Microsoft Canada's Digital Ice House© is erected in Dundas Square; looks somewhat like the bastard child of an igloo and a circus freak-show tent

Inside, however, is pretty badass. An entire condominium apartment is represented by ice sculptures of things like chairs and dictionaries and fruit bowls. Approximate size of this frozen dwelling: about 200 sq. feet, which shows that Microsoft Canada has a pretty decent grasp of the average Torontonian's lifestyle.

Microsoft personnel lurked in every room, eager to impress the wonders of Windows Vista upon ice enthusiasts. One guy showed us Vista's "cool" new image organization system. You can add - get this - TAGS to pictures to make them searchable! Holy fucking shit! A demonstration. A picture of me and Steph was pumped into the machinery and tagged "Sweden" (NOPE!), "couple" (UH-UH) and "potential purchaser" (WHEE!). Of course, it's not Windows Vista's fault that I am a dirty liar, but basically every feature of the new OS that we were shown has already been done (Flickr! MacOS!). Vista just serves them up with a generous heap of visual masturbation.

This is the new look for the Windows Recycling Bin, except now it's called the Windows Arctic Compost Heap. It melts in the summer, making your files biodegradable and eco-friendly. Somebody watched An Inconvenient Truth!

Microsoft employees will acquiesce to bizarre demands to have an orgy on the ice bed, but only if you critically compare them to the competition first: "I heard you guys were the new Apple... Apple is cool. THOSE guys would get on that bed. And they'd give me an iPod." No iPod, but yes bed. I was impressed... could you use this rhetoric on other companies? "Well Pickle Barrel employee, I understand that food costs money, but just look at Apple's corporate culture!" I don't really see how that would work, but I'm gonna try anyway. Maybe we can talk about our feelings, even if I don't get anything for free.

Windows Vista is the operating system I'll have in three years when I buy a new PC. Apple is too cool for school, and I won't eat anything that already has a bite taken out of it.

Posted by Chris at 01:25 AM >> Commentations (4)