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HI, this is Chris Clemens for the Weigook Authority News network. Kim So-Yong is on assignment at Krispy Kreme. Tonight's top story which is not new news but has, in fact, already been covered extensively by more reputable and somewhat less biased sources:

*long, meaningful look at camera 1, just extended enough to impart an air of suitable seriousness when discussing tragedy... you know the look I'm talking about, the sorta awkward one because you always wonder whether the teleprompter has fucked up for one breathless instant*

JUST one week away from the national election, Park Geun-hye, a presidential candidate for the opposition Grand National Party, was attacked by a guy with a box cutter. He slashed her neck for about 60 stitches worth of damage before being promptly hauled away to serve 14 (more) years in prison, yelling and screaming about saving democracy and acting the proper madman. The GNP got a big popularity boost from the incident, virtually assuring them victory over the Uri party next week. This is all based on shit I read in the paper, by the way.

I asked my supervisor if maybe the GNP had somehow set up the attack themselves to pull sympathy votes. She was shocked, then thoughtful: "I would like to think nothing like that could happen in Korea..." Since I've begun reading the newspaper here, almost every week there are announcements of massive anti-trust violations and civil servant debauchery. Korean politics is a hotbed of mistrust and repetitive scandal. Still, a few extra points in the polls hardly seems like it would be worth a large disfiguring scar across one's throat. Maybe someone else in the party made the call and poor Park didn't get the memo. Anyway, that's enough about that.

THANK you for that obviously non-partisan conspiracy analysis, Chris. You are an insensitive lout, poorly versed in Korean scandalmongering and a donkeybanger to boot. Our prayers are with Ms. Park. We sincerely hope she does not resemble a gutted salmon when she returns to politics. And now... what's going on in the world of interior decorating? Not too much? Haven't moved that wardrobe yet, huh. Okay then, let's just roll on over to sports:

*playful laugh, as if reacting to a nonexistent joke although the laugh is just a trivial gesture intended to lighten the air and let the audience know that you're gonna be talking about some dudes kicking a little ball around, which seems infinitely less important than the preceding news and WOW it's tough to do segues with only one person*

TONIGHT, Korea faced Senegal in a pre-World Cup friendly match. The streets were mostly emptied of cars, as everyone was parked in front of a TV for the game. I went down to get some food and the women who run the restaurant had a tiny screen hooked up to a cell phone to keep on top of the score while they worked. As I ate I could hear response to the action from the place next door, yells and curses echoing through the drywall. The convenience store had soccer on the radio. I felt the game wherever I went - it shadowed me as I walked, lived in everyone I met. Across Sanbon, and perhaps all of Korea, people tied their attentions into a single event of seemingly monumental importance. It was incredibly intense and I couldn't help but get wrapped up into the score. Remember that time Canada won the Olympic gold? Yeah, it was sorta like that. I was constantly watching for someone in the street to spontaneously combust from excitement.

In the end, the match played to a 1-1 tie and sportscasters enthusiastically replayed and discussed Korea's lone goal for at least half an hour afterwards. Did I mention that this was a friendly? Oh man... the World Cup is coming and there's a sale on box cutters.

IMPRESSIVE Chris, way to tie in the box cutter thing from the previous story! A clearly half-hearted effort for some kind of cross-relevancy. You should probably go to bed. Thanks for that special report on your dinnertime experiences and stupid reminiscing about hockey glory, and we'll see you tomorrow night! Only not really because I (you?) rarely update two days in a row because we are quite lazy.

Goodnight, and good luck in the finals.

*studio fades to black as I pretend to be writing on paper and fiddling with trinkets on my desk and talking congenially to myself*

[Korean politics] [Park Geun-hye] [Korean soccer] [fake ass news]

Posted by Chris at 11:25 AM >> Commentations (2)