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Once upon a time I thought I had some dreadful anti-social disease, a bi-polar bleakness that meant I was crazy.

When I was in elementary school, I would sit in the basement and play Dragon Warrior until church friends came and dragged me away from the TV. At the time, I resented them for coming between me and a much anticipated Lvl. 50. Sociability was overrated. I learned not to show my bitterness, and they learned to get high on designer drugs and listen to Aerosmith without their father The Minister finding out. Church kids are always the worst.

When I was in junior high, I counter-lashed. I whored myself out for peer attention and talked on the phone for hours at a time about nothing at all. I couldn't stand to be alone and I tried too hard. I learned that the popular group can turn on you in a heartbeat and the worst of them learned that experimenting with sex leads to teenage pregnancy and a full-time job at Sobey's. Fuck them, but also fuck me for retarding myself for 2 years. I realize now that leaving me behind was the kindest thing they could have done.

When I was in high school, I was a relatively well-adjusted fellow once I figured out who I was. Situated comfortably between the extremities of Recluse and Social Slut, I didn't really fit well anywhere but I fit okay in lots of places. I had a girlfriend and a job and a car and I went to some of the right parties. Still, one night I found myself wrapped in darkness for no logical reason, stalking the streets and furiously agitated by a simple phone call. "Come," she said through the tangled wires and perforated receiver. "We're hanging out. You should come." I stepped on sidewalk cracks instead, hating everything.

Black moods clouded my head every so often and I found that the only way to beat them was to drown myself in solitude. My bitterness invariably receded and I would apologize for being such a snapcase when it did, but I was worried: worried because I wasn't happy with what should make me happy, distressed over nothing. Was I freakish? An anti-social monster of epic proportions?

...more later.

Posted by Chris at 06:01 PM