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Last week we had our staff dinner at a seafood restaurant because the proprietor owed Mrs. Kim money for his children's tuition. I don't especially like seafood. It's not that I'm scared of seafood, with all those shells and eyes and tentacles, but moreso that I feel that these eyes and tentacles should stay at the bottom of the ocean where they belong. These slimy things should be attached to their respective aquatic beasts, not residing in my churning belly.

Anyways, our table was a roulette wheel of dishes all night. As soon as I found something I liked - say, fish that was cooked - it would immediately be whisked away and replaced with something hideous. I tried each hideousness with false bravado, telling myself that it was a "new experience" and "holy shit those prawns are MOVING, you need to KILL THEM before THEY KILL YOU." So kill them I did, and I ate all manner of raw fish and murdered crustaceans in the interests of culture.

The crowning achievement of my self-abasement was definitely the wriggling platter of squid tentacles. Yes, they were alive - or at least they wished they were still alive - and I struggled to catch them with my chopsticks as they squirmed and writhed in pseudo-agony. I'd heard stories of Koreans who died of asphyxiation with an octopus arm suctioned to the inside of their throats, so I was wary of post-mortem trickery. One look across the table at Sam, who was struggling to dislodge a tentacle that was firmly gripping her tongue, and I knew that these fuckers would not go down easily. But go down they must and I finally gulped, crammed one in my mouth and chewed the ever-loving Christ out of it. Ka-chaw! Chop chop chop! Die, you crazy squid bitch!

In tiny mutilated pieces and finally resigned to its fate, the tentacle slid down into my stomach and, lo and behold, it was eaten. It tasted like India rubber and was certainly not worth the effort. But it was done. I had somehow, miraculously, survived my encounter with the Seafood.

Posted by Chris at 10:04 AM >> Commentations (4)