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More than a year ago, I trounced down to our beloved Princess Cinema to see the latest hype in the Documentaries-R-Kewl movement: Supersize Me. I haven't eaten at McDonalds since. Not even once.

I'm not telling you this so you can be all like "Omigod that Chris Clemens, he is so dreamy and has convictions and social awareness and FUCKTHECORPORATIONS!" Hells no. Because I don't.

It was really just a matter of a trend-inspired decision turning into something that I felt I could hold onto, something I could do. One by one, everyone who had made similar pledges fell prostrate before the Golden Arches in moments of drunken lust or vicious circumstance, but somehow I said "No" and kept saying it. It felt good, especially since quitting smoking has failed time and time again until eventually I decided that I didn't really want to quit. Quitters are losers, right? The real winners get lung cancer.

But I digress. McDonalds is not on the menu. Memories of Supersize Me have faded substantially (except the Chicken McNugget grinder. God I used to love those sweet golden nuggets, but now...), and my boycott is really more a matter of personal pride than a dedicated slap to Ronald's freakish mime face. It's the joy of being an uncompromising dick for an extended period of time.

I eat other fast food. I am eating Wendy's fries right now, for instance. Damn they're tasty. I'm dipping them in Sweet & Sour sauce right now. And I'm sure you can call me hypocritical, if you like, for munching down on the filthy wares of corporations which are just as reprehensible as McDonalds when it comes to ecological crimes, strong-arm business tactics and building an army of pimple-faced, recycleable staff. But... fuck you. I'm hungry. I'm human. I'll pick my own battles and taking on Fast Food in general is just not something I want to do. And if I did, I would have to be friendly with vegans and I hate vegans.

I don't care if other people eat McDonalds. En route to a camping trip up north earlier this summer, we stopped at a rest station and - guess what - McDonalds was sitting there: proud, defiant, fat. I sat staunchly by while everyone blasted McEverythings down their gullets and fuck, it was hard. "Want the rest of my fries?" "You know, we won't tell anyone if you take one bite." I just couldn't. It smelled like delicious, juicy poison... but No. Because then, what would I live for? What could I believe in?

Dear readers, I am telling you now that my entire existence is dedicated to the worthy pilgrimage of Not Eating At McDonalds. If you all stop eating McDonalds and the Arches fold, my life becomes meaningless and I will have to kill myself with a rusty butterknife, sawing down the highway instead of across the road. I know the drill. I will implode in some kind of Nietzsche-like abyss.

So Supersize those fries and add a McFlurry for only $2.39, if you love me at all.

Posted by Chris at 01:32 PM >> Commentations (7)