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Answers! I am mightily pleased with the quiz-combating approaches of those worthy heroes tagged yesterday: you should go check out their answers.

I would like to take this time to also call out:

Tudor - given poor Laura's sickness, it would only be right and noble and chivalrous of you to take her spot. She has elected to take the Master Quiz time-trial instead, which is hardly adequate fulfillment of her quizzely duties.

Jones - like you have anything better to do?

Shirley - welcome back to the sunny beaches of Canada!

Okay answering time. I'm scared.

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THE MASTER QUIZ

Loss.

1. Forced to choose between the three, which would you rather lose: your vision, your hearing or your four limbs? Why?

I would choose hearing, although it's a tough decision. After seeing It's All Gone, Pete Tong, I realized that life after hearing is very doable, although the loss of music would be a grave loss indeed. For a while I toyed with choosing the limbs and having evil robotic attachments installed onto my nubs, but that would be way costlier than learning to read lips.

2. If you ever lost your name, where might it be found?

Attached to the bottom of Roger Clemens' baseball cleat.

Gain.

3. You find a blank check, fully endorsed by a high-ranking executive at Microsoft and completely redeemable, lying on the sidewalk. An obviously needy street person snatches it and runs away. What do you do?

I would chase that bastard down. Reasoning? A homeless person seems fairly unlikely to be able to cash a cheque of such glorious magnitude. They would go to jail (which might be better than the street, but still...). So yeah, I would chase 'em down and take the cheque and take Microsoft for about 10 mil - pocket change - and use some to start my own bar called Girl On Fire, and the rest I would give to random unemployeds who manage to survive the fiendish Death Maze (also financed by Microsoft). I would donate three dollars to Live 8 because, you know, they're so effective at dealing with poverty.

4. Happiness is subjective and often very complex. An ultra-swishy, Robin Williams type genie offers you guaranteed True Love, Financial Success or Fame - but the catch is that when you pick one, you will never find either of the other two in your lifespan. Which, if any, type of happiness do you ask for?

I don't much care for money, which may seem odd given my previous answer, but it's true. Money would be NICE, but it's not really a goal beyond basic necessity. So fuck Financial Success. Fame and True Love are both very enticing, but I'm the kind of person who would probably rue the choice many years later - upon reflection, I would probably opt to just pick D) None Of The Above and let fate roll me around. That way I could mercilessly mock the genie with all the comfort of knowing that he couldn't revenge-curse my wish.

Sex & Love.

5. Love is like having your insides renovated by tiny gnomes with pickaxes: True or False?

True. Pickaxes don't necessarily have to be painful in a bad way. The love gnomes have WHMIS training. They know what they're doing.

6. If your sex life had to be personified by two animals locked in mortal combat, which two battling beasts would best describe your experiences? Be honest: did you just pick two random animals or do your choices actually mean something?

An octopus and a hydra. CRYPTIC!

Divinity.

7. If you were an all-powerful God required to choose a single tenet for your loyal worshippers to live by, what law would you pick?

This God-being says "Thou shalt not lie with any donkey on the fourth sabbath of the eight month." I like to think that if I was a God, I would be dreadfully trite... sorta like the Old Testament Hebrew god!

8. Centuries later, other Gods start moving in on your territory. How do you stop them from stealing the faith of your people? HINT: Cool lightning bolts from heaven might be a start.

Belief is fear. Fear is ten thousand knives falling from the sky, along with the occasional spoon or fork.

Et Cetera.

9. Choose one: You are nothing and the world is everything, or the world is nothing and you are everything.

The world is nothing and I am everything (still on my divinity kick... and selfishness. Can't forget selfishness and narcissism.)

10. If I told you that your answers to this quiz were all lies, would you ponder the meaning of truth? Or would you just go make French toast while thinking about what an asshole I am?

You need to just shut the hell up is what you need. Go make me some French toast, you smarmy biatch!

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Posted by Chris at 04:30 PM >> Commentations (5)