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Gears of War is awesome. Basically you get to go on the internet and face off against little kids from Texas in a crazy bloodbath jihad of shotguns and aliens. And they will try to chainsaw you into a lifeless carcass, but you will fight back bravely until their friend from down the street comes in from behind and pistol whips you in the head. Then they will dance around your dazed, prone, soon-to-be-extinguished body like Indians (Natives) at a pow-wow (politically incorrect), because one of them will have jammed a smoke grenade in your neck and you are now on fire. Then someone will stomp your face and put you out of your misery, just so you can respawn and do it again.

This may sound a bit masochistic, but I play with Kyle and he's pretty good so I can still take vicarious revenge on his half of the screen. Or sometimes I get shot in the face and fall down, but a guy on my team comes along and revives me by pulling my hideously wounded character up (no medical assistance required!). Also, the sweetness of managing to cowardly sneak up on one of those Texans with the chainsaw while they are fighting another guy, and chopping them up like lunchmeat, it indescribable. Punk ass bitch little kids! They usually whine like helium turkeys. Every once in a while, your team is losing badly but somebody named Judas Iscariot comes to save you with a sniper rifle, and you have to wonder what really happened to Jesus.

Is fun and exciting!

Also, Buy Nothing Day is kind of a stupid deal because everybody goes out to buy necessities like cigarettes and vegan food the day before Buy Nothing Day, which means that people are still buying the exact same amount of commodities, they're just sold one day earlier. And, in fact, maybe buying more than you would ordinarily because you'd be thinking stuff like "Huh... will I want chips tomorrow, on Buy Nothing Day? Or maybe Slim Jims. I'll get them both just to make sure. Wouldn't want to sucumb to wrongful consumerist cravings during our token one-day abstinence from cash transactions!" You would buy based on probability, which is dangerous if you've ever gone grocery shopping while stoned. Very expensive.

I mean yeah, Buy Nothing Day a good idea fundamentally. Because capitalism is pretty fucked up when you think about it. I hate TV commercials, and also Valentine's Day. But when people start saying things about taking a message to the corporations, I don't really think the corporations are listening. They're like "Survivor 11 action figures!" And North Americans are like "Yeaaaaaaaaaah biatch! I want them all!" Basically you're gonna buy a ton of shit anyway and you know it. Useless shit that you probably don't need, and you'll do it just like everyone else (including me, of course) and if you need to take a day of postponement from the endless march of mandatory consumerism, well then...

Buy Nothing Day! But nothing will really change. Except that you will probably not eat anything tasty that day, because you'll have forgotten to buy food and all there is in the cupboard is crackers. That sucks.

I like how both of today's topics fit together... I am trying to think of some kind of super-cool title for this entry, like "Gears of CAPITALIST MADNESS" or "Buy Nothing Today... Except Hit XBOX Game Gears of War!! Only $59.99 at Future Shop," but that one is too long and I don't get paid commission. Either way, there's some rad machine... bureaucracy... system... thing happening here, and I believe it is called juxtaposition or ironic counterbalance or some other such stupid narratology word. Big words are good times. I am not crazy.

[Gears of War]
[Buy Nothing Day]

Posted by Chris at 02:05 AM >> Commentations (1)