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Let's get one thing out first: everybody likes to Google their name and find out just how many bastardized iterations of themselves exist, in some slimly significant form, on the internet. Basically I, as Chris Clemens, have historically kicked all the other Chris Clemens' asses: this site appears first in the rankings, followed shortly after by some real estate fake-Clemens, a golfer fake-Clemens and a professor fake-Clemens. Recently a Clemans has mysteriously overtaken my online splendor, but I am assured by Jesus that it's only short term.

However, tonight's bout of indulgent narcissism has revealed an all-new, ultra-retarded version of myself. Meet Chris Clemens. Here he is: "i like to skateboard, chill with friends, i go to shows, i like to go to the mall, eating, sit on the computer and talk to ppl all night and go to sleep all day, and that is about it." He also urges you to "adopt your own virtual pet!" Needless to say this is a particularly horrifying invitation, especially when immediately juxtaposed with the standard teenage list-every-band-you-have-never-heard-of including such gems as Terror, Reign of Terror, Belie my Burial and Bury Your Dead. Simply stunning. One can only hope that he is fucking lots of those teenage emo girls who take badly focused pictures of their cleavage in bathroom mirrors.

Scutt says nobody loves Clemens like Clemens, but perhaps it would now be more appropriate to change that to: "Nobody is more perplexed by the hideous virtual multiplicity of being that Clemens entails... than Clemens." Seriously... 100% accuracy... who else would even care?

Posted by Chris at 01:08 AM >> Commentations (5)